Week Two

Unabated Encroachment 

765 total points in 16 NFL games this week, now consecutive weeks with more cumulative points than all of last season's weekly high.

Through the first two weeks of NFL games, 40 Defensive Pass Interference calls have been enforced.

The Orioles play(ed) a double header against the Toronto Blue Jays on Monday, the second time in six days the O's will play 18 innings in one day.

This Week's Unnecessary Coverage

After a violent week in the news, it is clear that religions of the world are under attack - from the protests throughout the Middle East to Christians crying foul over the new Dr. Pepper "Evolution of Flavor" ad.

These two attacks couldn't be farther apart from each other - purely based on the extreme elicit reactions; however, both the violence and ignorance are reprehensible and embarrassing in both situations.  Taking offense to a product's advertisement is both petty and nonsensical - whatever happened to "turning the other cheek."  Since Facebook is now a credible primary source of "news," here are some intellectual comments that have lashed out in protest.

To start, this is just a Dr. Pepper ad, and I heard Jeremy Sullivan survives only on Dr. Pepper.  Now they have lost his business because believing in evolution must mean one is dumber than an ape...and only dumb apes buy Dr. Pepper...and Jeremy will be damned if he is a dumb ape.    

Surprisingly, Thomas Czech made it into a "college," however, I am glad that he clarifies that evolution is a theory being taught "through science."  Also, Christians are not a minority, and sadly, at least 46% of A'Merkns are likely to agree with Thomas' argument.  

I am relieved that Paul doesn't completely revile the ad and will continue to support the soda franchise, but it irritates him that a "false theory," like a good lie, can be ingrained as truth if enough people embrace the context.  He sounds disappointed, like when a beautiful privilege is used for the wrong reasons - say, a public forum for free speech is used to express obstinate ignorance.  

Despite Matthew's deficient English, he isn't entirely wrong with his statement.  Humans didn't evolve from monkeys, rather, we share a common ancestor.  I will let Richard Dawkins explain the science as Stephen Baldwin shares similar logic to Mr. Hogue. 

POWER RANKINGS

In honor of the best game show ever, The Gong Show

1) I'm Always Angry (2-0)

The Angrys are not only undefeated, but they hold the lead in overall points with 301.52, 25.64 points more than the second highest scoring team. This is due to the Angrys' having two two-headed monsters; with running backs, Arian Foster and Frank Gore, and the ambiguously gay duo, Eli "Ace" Manning and Phillip "Gary" Rivers. Right now the Angry's are "standin' up and stompin' their feet" all over Thunder Gun Express

2) Touchdown Cheesus (2-0)

The Cheesus has had the easiest schedule thus far, and they have successfully won both contests. Cheesus started last season off 2-0, can they continue equal success in the 2012 season. Consistent if anything, but it remains to be "unknown" how the season will shape up.

3) Cobras (1-1)

The Bras may have the weakest one-two running back combo with Chris Johnson and some Browns running back. The eleventh pick of the 2012 draft, Chris Johnson, has only registered 7.9 points after two games!!! That is 19.1 fewer points than Bras' kicker, Stephen Gostkowski - who has individually outscored Johnson's two week season total both weeks (10, 17). I am not sure what is better, Chris Johnson, or this next act.

4) Ramblin' Wreck (1-1)

A week ago, Vincent Jackson, Hakeem Nicks, and Marshawn Lynch combined for 18.2 points. During the week two campaign, all three players scored 18.2 points or more, combining for a total of 62.9 points. The Wrecks danced all over the Tickle Monstars, a performance that would make Gene Gene the Dancing Machine most proud.

5) Grin City DoWaDiddy (1-1)

Grin City is a tough place to survive, between the first two weeks it looks like feast or famine. Kenny Britt got his second consecutive start in his first eligible week - a move that would pay off with a staggering 0.5 points. The gong may have rung this week, but cheer up "red red robin," your season hasn't slipped into oblivion just yet.

6) JerrysTickleMonstars (1-1)

The player earning the most points this week for the Monstars, a rookie kicker, Justin Tucker - a wavier wire pick-up...pathetic...not to mention the last five picks of the Monstars draft this season are no longer on the team. The only thing worse than the Monstars is this act by Four Redheads, an act introduced as, "They used to entertain in a Mexican theater company...well it wasn't exactly a Mexican theater company, it was an Israeli taco stand that just had risque 8x10 glossy photos of Ricardo Montalban... Holding his pinata...ahhh...ahhh a little mule." 

7) TBD (0-2)

TBD remains nameless through two weeks and understandably so, they are abysmal. While fading into early irrelevancy, TBD has 319.42 points against them through two weeks, and has a point differential of -98.74 points...ouch! However, this is fantasy football, no one cares about a sob story, it's time for TBD to just gong themselves.  

8) UHavePermissionToLose (0-2)

Turns out, UHavePermissionToLose is the "bane" of their own fantasy existence. Here is a Gong Show contestant counting the amount of losses the Losers will have.

9) DW (2-0)

The lowly Dubs are undefeated thus far, however, they have the slimmest point differential in the league (19.82) and rank sixth in terms of points. The Dubs are like the act, "Have you got a nickel," their hobbies are boys and first aid...and/or they both suck. Hi-o...zing!

10) Game of Stones (0-2)

What can be said about the Stones that hasn't been said about DOG BOOTS...both are pretty useless. The Stones have a total of 201 points for, which is only 99.8 points less than the league leading Angrys. Is there anything worse than the Stones...? Maybe this act...

Fantasy Factoids for Factards

The NFL is all about offense now, and thankfully for Rodger Goodell, all the extra Defensive Pass Interference penalties allow the offense to have more opportunities to score, hence a gazillion yards of offense per game...and not to mention, but really mention...back to back weeks of incredibly high scoring.  This is based off of what I could find on ESPN's website, not sure how accurate their play-by-play records are.  

It is all but official, Andy Reid now resembles 93% of two different anthropomorphic cartoon walruses.

Week One

Week One Encroachment 

791 total points scored in 16 NFL games, 32 points more than 2011's highest weekly total (759)

The first time 5 teams posted 40 points or more in their season opener (more on this later)

The Orioles are now 27-8 in one-run games, winning 17 of the last 19 one-run games. Winterfell is coming, and The Darkness will soon settle over Norway

Note: links are in CAPS as it appears google's blogger adds advertisement links to random underlined words

Now back to football...

The 2012 NFL season has officially started and media "headlines" are swirling like the Coriolis Effect on a nascent hurricane.  With a presidential election, global warming, rampant child molestation, ubiquitous unemployment, replacement officials, and the OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY adding acronyms and abbreviations as words - the Book of Revelations and the Mayan calendar finally make sense.  The biggest of these stories, of course, is the contentious issue of the NFL officials officially on strike.  Absolute chaos has ensued, social structure is starting to shatter and the state of regulated football is in utter disarray.  During the week one preseason match-up between the Baltimore Ravens and Atlanta Falcons, head officials referred to Atlanta as "Arizona" on two occasions...in Atlanta.  Order has clearly changed course and we now live in a world where entropy reigns.

This state of chaos has led to the hiring of inexperienced low-level college referees, "glorified" high school officials, and even a former "official" from the Lingerie Football League.  These new referee "scabs" are the talk of Gridirontown, as media outlets, CNN, THE NEW YORK TIMES, THE NEW YORKER, and USA TODAY - among many others - have all reported on this "real issue" as if the Mayans had warned us this day would come in 2012.  To be honest, up until "the replacements" took the officiating helm, the NFL was a few rule changes away from becoming a Lingerie Football League. Either way, fans always complain about the calls no matter who is making them.  After every game, head coaches send clips to the NFL and ask for rule clarifications on calls they believe were questionable, regardless of the referees.

The truth is, games have been won and lost based on poor calls made by the league's officials who are currently on strike.  If  fans really crave impartial perfection, they should stick to playing Madden.  However, it is the American Way to bitch-and-moan when you don't get your way, but, such is life - why should the NFL officiating situation be any different.  When i get a cold, I deal with it, I don't get a microscope and look at the virus and yell at it for being an asshole.

In closing, Roger Goodell is a shitbag for essentially nickel-and-diming a $10 billion brand over a staff that costs a very small percentage of the company's expenditures.  According to my fake research; assume the NFL employs 200 officials with an average salary of $75,000 - costing the NFL $15 million annually. Assuming the NFL to be roughly valued with $10 billion in revenue, referee salaries would have only cost a total of 0.15%.  Essentially, this proves nothing, aside from the fact that the NFL makes billions and the league officials make a very small amount in comparison.  League rookies received a league-minimum pay increase of $55,000 in 2011, therefore, the NFL is flexing its muscle as a brand Ed Hochuli style and it is driving the world crazy.  I just want to have my ears spared from the monotony of this so-called "news" coverage about replacement officials.  This way, everyone can return to complaining about the normal referees.

Power Rankings: Thunder Gun Express, Under the Microscope

 

1) JerrysTickleMonStars  -  Champaloux Finsih  -  World Champaloux

The MonStars of 2011 are still gloating after defiling an entire league like an adult taking advantage of feeble children at a football camp.  After all, it is hard to blame a league domination on a single man - sometimes the victims are just asking for it and are often the seducers.  Looking for a repeat, the MonStars are as excited as a kid in a candy store, or better yet, Jerry Sandusky in a candy store full of kids.

2) Touchdown Cheesus  -  Champaloux Finish  -  3rd Place

A season ago, the "chosen cheddar" seemed to be on a war path to take down the Champaloux, but was outcast and crucified - string cheese style - losing in the semi-finals.  After eight months, Cheesus looks to rise from the tomb and turn the rest of Thunder Gun Express into believers.  No body f**ks with the Cheesus.

3) Cobras  -  Champaloux Finish  -  2nd Place

The Cobras had a strong push in the last weeks of the Champaloux and came away with a not-so-close second place finish.  The Bras took one-step closer to fantasy oblivion at the inception of the 2012 season when they drafted Trent Richardson, a Cleveland Browns running back.  In 2010, Peyton Hillis rushed for 1,177 yards and scored 11 touchdowns.  However, compare Hillis to the Browns' combine team rushing stats - 1,530 yards and 4 touchdowns in 2011; 1,605 yards and 6 touchdowns in 2008; 1,335 yards and 7 touchdowns in 2007...and it's the Browns.  I am no soothsayer like Chuck Norris, but he may be right about his 1,000 years of darkness premonition - at least in reference to the Bras' fantasy future.  Also, I would think Chuck Norris would have more trophies than what appears on his shelf.

4) I'm Always Angry  -  Champaloux Finish  -  9th Place

What happened last year, the Ghost Monkeys were continuously and simultaneously successful and sucky, but could it all have been a BAD DREAM - or was it an an aberrant season for the primate apparition.  The Ghost Monkeys' disappointment from a most unfortunate season in the Champaloux - entered into its pupa stage during the off-season, and transformed into a team that is Always Angry.  

5) TBD  -  Champaloux finish  -  4th Place

Last year, the Eats were stifled in the playoffs, can they return to Thunder Gun Express even hungrier.  The new-look Eats seem to be on a diet and a completely different team this year.  Although, dropping the weight resulted with a ambiguous name change and they plummeted to the bottom of the standings.  TBD is the only fantasy team to build a franchise on the foot of Sebastian Janikowski...which is slightly better than drafting any running back in a Browns uniform.  This news report from "Mom's Basement" tells us how violent the former "Eats" can get over food (If anything fast forward to the 1:55 mark).

6) Ramblin' Wreck  -  Champaloux Finish  -  7th Place

A season ago, Undecided was apathetic to decision making, but this year they are a Ramblin' Wreck. So, where to start, the Wrecks got off on the right foot with the left foot of David Akers who tallied 16 points this week, but a total of 18.2 combine points from Hakeem Nicks, Vincent Jackson, and Marshawn Lynch really CASTRATED HIS team this week.  Will the Wrecks turn the season around after this misfortune or will they incessantly babble on like Yosemite Sam walking into a bar.

7)  Game of Stones  - Champaloux Finish  -  5th Place

The Stones made a late run for the playoffs last season, but couldn't garner enough wins and points to edge their way into the playoffs.  This season got off to a great start, beating the lowly Dubs of a year ago.  The Stones get the first philanthropy award in Thunder Gun Express by paying for nine complementary visits for DW to get his CAR AND CRANK SHAFT WASHED.  

8) Grin City DoWaDiddy  -  Champaloux Finish  -  10th Place

The First Timers put forth a valiant effort last season, but ultimately came up very short in terms of relevance in the final standings.  Will she come back with a vengeance on her sophomoric fantasy attempt, or will she be all but forgotten like MARCUS SMITH'S MADDEN picture.  Grin City was so confident during week one, they started Kenny Britt who was not available due to a detention he received in his prison class.  If week one's ultimate beat-down is any indication, Grin City will be a force to be reckoned with in 2012.  Grin City will hope for anything but a do-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-fluke.

9) UHavePermissionToLose  -  Champaloux finish  -  8th Place

If anyone needs help, it's the elderly, but be careful what help is sought.  Last year, the Brigade was more like a speed bump, present and easy to overcome.  This fantasy autodraft guru is looking to be on par for a season no more impressive than mediocre.  Look for the league's elder statesman to seek outside sources of performance enhancers, but "BUYER BEWARE" of gas station products.  

10) DW  -  Champaloux finish  -  6th Place

Sadly the Dubs could get no satisfaction last year, a perennial loser, but only in life and fantasy footbal...iz yoke from ole.  This year, the Dubs will need all the help they can possibly get after finishing in the meaningless middle-third in the standings of the Champaloux.  Looking for attention, beware of the D-Dubs bouncing double-d's off the back of his Black Acura Integra.  

Fantasy Factoids for Factards

ESPN stat line from this weekend:  

Why does it say "or more," the number representing "more" would be the record.  Well done ESPN.

In 2011, "CASSETTE TAPE" was removed (OED claims retired) from the Oxford English Dictionary for the likes of the words, "sexting" and "woot" because some words were no longer 'in fashion.'

It seems as though the Oxford English Dictionary is now run by twitter and douche bag teenagers.  Here are some of the new and more "fashionable" words that were added in 2012.

Inapprops - I will simply say, abbreviations are not words...how inappropriate. 

Adorbs - I guess adorable is too long a word to phonetically pronounce - who has time to listen or anunciate three syllables, especially when life is limited to 140 characters.  

Deets - If Ernest Hemingway came back to life, he would shoot himself again if he were to see this...but, two syllables can be tough to say - certainly, one syllable makes the word sound much fashionable.

YOLO - This is a f**king acronym, not a word, will never use this, hate this... and is offensive to Hinduism.  I guess life is like a rap video now.  

OMG - Better make room for OMFSM, HIS noodliness may become a jealous god now. 

LOLZ -  Sadly, there is nothing funny about the addition of any of these new "words."