No Hesitation. No Surrender.
No Man Left Behind!!!
Congratulations to last season's winner
UHavePermission2Lose
eh... i think.
UHavePermission2Lose
eh... i think.
Unabated Encroachment
During the off-season Thunder Gun Express underwent a league expansion and has now grown to twelve franchises. Welcome to the new additions Kellen (Team Name) and Sarah (Half Line Hoofers). Having undergone such growth, the writer/editor here at Unnecessary Coverage will have to find more time at work to do less work in order to keep up with these weekly-ish updates. In other league news, Unnecessary Coverage is now an international sensation, having been viewed in nine countries on four continents. This worldwide success can only be attributed to Google, but what has been typed into Google searches to stumble upon Unnecessary Coverage remains a mystery (Unlucky Asstard...I hope).
Furthermore... Why is Germany beating the viewing in Norway?
Please explain yourselves Jim and Amy.
Also, Unnecessary Coverage is pondering a potential move to the #2 viewing country to get a more central location on the global viewing scale. Currently awaiting word on the German consulate...
Power Rankings
Preseason Edition
Yahoo was nice enough to give draft grades, but why should the highest grade go to a team that is projected to finish 7-7 with a relatively weak schedule? Therefore, here at Unnecessary Coverage, we (?) must take it upon ourselves (?) to make an equally useless power ranking based off an expertly inane grading system.
1) DW (0-0, Finished 2012 #2, 9-5)
Let's face it, DW will be in last place after Week One regardless, so this is the Dub's moment to shine. D-dubs boasts 5 RB's on their roster, but is projected to finish the season with a pedestrian 7-7 record, finishing 8th in the league (1,428 points overall). DW drafted their entire starting roster before drafting any bench players - the proverbial glass-jaw of fantasy football. If D-dubs can remain free of the injury bug, they will be set for expected mediocrity. DW is one of three teams to draft two team defenses....will this strategy pay off? Not Likely. Defense wins championships in real life....not Fantasy.
2) Half Line Hoofers (0-0, 2013 Newbie)
The first of our two new additions had a fantastic debut draft, but the #2 power ranking isn't solely based on the draft. The Hoofers also married into the family, Congratulations. Now that you are in, you will be treated like everyone else....with jovial disrespect and esoteric humor. Yahoo! has the Hoofers projected to finish 3rd overall with a 9-5 record and scoring a total of 1,411 points. Half Line will take on the sixth toughest schedule, and if the prognostication comes to fruition, a playoff appearance in a league debut is an accomplishment in and of itself. Never count them out, like Becky O'Shea in "Little Giants," Ice Box has a chance to level Thunder Gun.
3) Game of Stones (0-0, Finished 2012 #9, 5-9)
The Stones probably had one of the best drafts in the league, regardless of the Yahoo! projections. They have a solid set of wide receivers and a tight end combination that would make Jerry Sandusky's inch-worm quiver. In the late-rounds, the Stones drafted Heath Miller, who will be Big Ben's only target as his offensive line will ultimately collapses on him every play. There is only one question mark on the Stones' roster, Darren McFadden, a china doll of a player and the weak point of the team. McFadden has not been able to remain healthy enough to complete an entire season in his NFL career (5 seasons, 57 Games Played). It will be interesting to see if the Stones' continue their strategy this season, they are known to start seasons 0-5 before deciding to win some games. Their schedule ranks eighth in difficulty, but are expected to finish 6th overall, with an 8-6 record and a 1,418 point total. If they phase-out mid-season, the league will be peppered with frivolous jibber-jabber about the Pittsburgh Steelers and something about six championships. We get it...the Steelers are a great franchise with a history of winning....blah, blah, blah. Hearing this is equivalent to having you mother ask if you would like to watch your own birthing video... you know it happened, but it is better to not have to relive the experience.
4) Cobras (0-0, 2012 Finished #5, 7-7)
The Bras are very robust this year, bouncing all over the place early in the draft - getting the over-the-shoulder-bolder-hold on three wide receivers in the first four rounds. The Bras have a workhorse in CJ Spiller, but the drop-off in their RB2 could be the annoying prickly tag inside the Bras (assumption, not based on my bra wearing experience). The Bras have the eleventh most difficult schedule and are projected to finish 5th with an 8-6 record, scraping up 1,420 points along the way. The Bras could be the pricks in everyone's side-boob.
5) Don't Tase Me Brony (0-0, Finished 2012 #3, 10-4)
The Bronys are all about running backs this year...why... because it looks like they forgot to draft receivers when they were flying off the board. It remains to be seen if this strategy will payoff, but the same can be said about seeing a grown man with with a rainbow color tail attached to his jeans. Although, there is some good news, the Bronys have the ninth most difficult schedule and are slated to finish 1st overall with a 10-4 record, amassing 1,424 points along the way. Can it be done? Will it be done? Would a 35 year old man wear a full-size Twilight Sparkle outfit in the middle of Baltimore...? Apparently, it's not entirely impossible...
6) Ramblin Wreck (0-0, Finished 2012 #7, 5-9)
Perhaps Ramblin Wreck should change their name to Scramblin' Wreck after drafting back to back surgically repaired humans in the first two rounds, thus earning a "D" Yahoo! robot draft grade. The Wrecks will face the second toughest schedule in Thunder Gun Express and are anticipated to win ONE game (1-13, 1,268 points). Ah WHAAAAA!!!??? The newly married gent goes from one high to a crashing low-blow by the Yahoo! cyborgs. The Wrecks are loaded with perennial fantasy success stories, maybe the Yahoo! droids got tired of crunching numbers near the end and crapped some lead on this one. However, in defense of robotics everywhere the Wrecks drafted another broken human, Michael Crabtree, who tore his ACL in the preseason. To cap it all off, the Wreck's drafted a literal "Mr. Irrelevant" with Jason Hanson - a player that is currently serving FroYo in Spokane, Washington and enjoying his retirement.
7) Donkey Brains (0-0, Finished 2012 #4, 8-6)
Donkey Brains had a solid draft despite the Yahoo! grading system, picking up the ever productive first round quarterback, Drew Brees, followed by two fragile running backs. If Maurice Jones-Drew and Reggie Bush can stay healthy, Donkey Brains looks to be more Brains than Donkey. However, if they have to resort to back-up running backs Mark Ingram, Fred Jackson, or Knowshon Moreno - they will look more like an Ass. Either way, Yahoo! robot experts extrapolate that the Donkeys will dominate their weaker schedule, finishing 9-5 with 1,370 points - good enough for 4th place.
8) Team Name/Circus Peanuts (0-0, 2013 Newbie)
9) Brunost on Fire (0-0, Finished 2012 #10, 3-11)
Does brown cheese on fire stink...? Expert Yahoo! robots seem to think so. Although, with the third toughest schedule and a forecasted 7-7 record doesn't bode well for Brunost. However, 9th place seems respectable in comparison to last year's plopper. Included in the report was the useless statistic of the Brunost roster having the most combined NFL experience (as if the veterans mattered in fantasy football), boasting an average of 7.6 seasons in the league. However, 142 of those years came form brokeneck mountian, Peyton Manning and 65 year old Tony Gonzalez. Sounds like Brunost will need a walker.
10) Grin City DoWaDiddy (0-0, Finished 2012 #6, 8-6)
Yahoo! headlines, "After some early gambles, Grin City DoWaDiddy looks DESTINED for the bottom of the Standings." Going on to add, Grin City has the tenth hardest schedule, now, this just doesn't make sense. A season ago, Grin City just missed the playoffs, and with an anticipated record of 5-9 (1,343 points) they would finish 10th overall. They drafted their entire starting bench before picking up bench players, but they picked a stout starting offense - only injuries and a few bad bye weeks could hurt this team.
11) TBD (0-0, Finished 2012 #8, 7-7)
12) Carlos Dangersously (0-0, Finished 2012 #1, 8-6)
Carlos Dangerously, A.K.A. "Dick Pic," will be placed in last place because they won a season ago, and they wanted to call their team "The Odds I Successfully Defend My Fantasy Football League Title While Writing My Dissertation Are 0%." Apparently, Yahoo! wanted the Dick's back in the playoffs, awarding the Dick Pic's the league's first pick and gave them the easiest schedule Also, the Dicks are in cahoots with Snickers, getting a Snikers award for drafting Danny Woodhead....the only things Snickers and Dick pics have in common are nuts. The Dicks are expected to finish 2nd, with a 10-4 record and scoring 1,409 points during the season.
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What do the two above pictures have in common...?
Hint: Richard Pick, Anthony Weiner
Hint: Richard Pick, Anthony Weiner
Criminal Quiz
Criminal Quiz Extra Credit
