Unnecessary Coverage
This week, we will give Florida a break.... Anyways, in other state-side news, Iowa has now approved the issuing of gun permits to the legally blind. Approved applicants will soon be able to purchase and carry guns in public. Taking advantage of the new law while in a Bass Pro Shop, blind man, Michael Barber commented, "When you shoot a gun, you take it out and point and shoot, I don't think eyesight is necessary." However, Michael did struggle to find the camera during the interview, going on to add "facing and talking, is far more difficult." Well done Iowa... a land where it is illegal for a mustachioed man to kiss a woman in public and one-armed piano players must play for free. |
| Interviewing is tough, but pointing and shooting, blind-child's play. |
In more or nonetheless interesting news, a technosexual Michigan man by the pseudonym, Davecat, was a feature on the not-so-educational program, "My Strange Addiction." He is a 40-year old man who has been in dedicated to the same ageless woman, and her girlfriend for almost 15 years. The fairy tale started when Elena Vostrikova saw Davecat and his beloved partner, Sidore, performing in a production of Guys and Dolls. Elena immediately fell in love and moved from Russia just to be with them. This strange triumvirate is lead by Davecat, who is the sole bread winner; however, he refuses to feed or even take Sidore and Elena out on dates....mostly because both women are synthetic sex dolls. Davecat admitted his attraction to 'organic' women, however, "Instead of chasing after the ideal person who either doesn't exist in the first place, or is already with someone else, why not buy a doll," adding, "ultimately, getting romantically involved with an organic woman doesn't seem worth it to me." Furthermore, Sidore and Elena can easily have their bodies replaced after sustaining the poundings they take for 70% of their relationship. Sidore is on her third body replacement, but there may be a time when his love will be beyond repair. Davecat goes on to say, "I'd be lying if I didn't say that when her body comes close to falling apart through entropy, I'm pretty cut up about it, as anyone would be when facing the mortality of a loved one."
I believe Lord Tennyson said it best, "It is better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved a doll."
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| She doesn't even look like she is listening. |
Interesting Notes...
Davecat and Sidore wear matching wedding bands with the inscription, "Synthetik love lasts forever."
The initial purchase was made for two reasons, 70% sexual, 30% companionship. (Davecat, " I thought they were gorgeous creations, and having one would not only dispel loneliness, but be excellent for sex as well. And I was right!")
Technosexual - someone who is attracted to robots, or, attracted to "organic" partners who dress like robots
He has an open relationship with Sidore and Elena, but the dolls have yet to comment.
Referring to a synthetic as a “thing,” or a Doll as a “sex toy,” is demeaning and unimaginative...
Full Interview
Now from one fantasy to another...
Power Rankings
1) Brunost on Fire (1-0)
Well, Brunost is indeed on Fire...they were originally projected for 103.47 points in Week One. However, upon hearing his new nickname, Peyton "Brokeneck Mountain" Manning decided to tie an NFL record, throwing seven touchdown passes and scoring 60.28 fantasy points - while shaming Bronys and Ravens alike. Thus proving that Brokeneck Mountain is adamantly gay for football.
2) Polk High 2013 (1-0)
The Polk High Panthers of 2013 came out ready to shred up any competition. The team formerly known as "Circus Peanuts" came out and dominated Ur Walking Laurie, as if they were Andrew Johnson High School. Polk High had all but two starters score in double digits, good enough for the "W," but not as good as Al Bundy's legendary four touchdowns in just one game. They are off to a good start, but only time will tell if they can make All-City.
3) Ramblin' Wreck (1-0)
The Wrecks produced the league's second biggest beatdown, winning by a total of 43.58 points - and they didn't have the help of any NFL record setting days. RGIII was so happy that the Lord cured all his ailments and he was able to return for the start of the 2013 season. Although, according to his MRI scan, maybe there was some sort of "divine intervention." All logic points to no, but some find solace in the Lord's fanatical craze with football.
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| The Unholy Trinity: Jesus, Mary, and Torn ACL |
4) Ur Walking Laurie (0-1)
Wtih 125.18 points, Laurie would have beat the majority of the teams in the league scoring the 4th highest point total. Unfortunately, this doesn't matter in head-to-head competition, so the bad luck continues for Laurie, a team that took over a year to determine a team name. The only thing that hasn't changed is Yahoo's disdain for this team.
5) Half Line Hoofers (1-0)
The Hoofers really proved who wears the dresses in this league... and that would be DW. They didn't need much to beat the Dubs, but they did so in impressive fashion. All but two starters for the Hoofers out-performed their initial projections, while their opponent under-performed projections in all but a single starter. Half Line has another favorable match-up in Week two, but Yahoo! predictions are as useful as having a cat for a Mayor.
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| Stubbs has been the Mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska for 15-years. |
6) Cobras (1-0)
With the late game Monday night, the Bras were able to come out victorious with the help of a two touchdown performance from Owen Daniels. The Bras are a team to fear in the future, especially when you account for the miserable performances from top fantasy producers C.J. Spiller and Dez Bryant. These surreptitious, push-up Bras look really good, there may not be a lot there, but soon enough everyone will be staring at them.
7) Don't Tase Me Brony (0-1)
The Bronys had the misfortune of facing off against Brokeneck Mountain in Week One, leaving the Bronys in a 72-point hole after Thursday night's season kickoff. If it wasn't for Jared Cook's two touchdown performance, the Bronys would have still lost, but the amount of shame would have increased exponentially...similar to the amount of shame a mother must feel when she realizes her son's insatiable obsession with My Little Pony - dressing in rainbow outfits and attending Brony events far beyond Friendship is Magic's target market.
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| Grown woman cries at the site of a grown man dressed as a little girl. |
8) Carlos Dangerously (1-0)
It appears as the love affair between Yahoo! and the Dick Pics is far from over. The Dick Pics have the easiest schedule overall and it showed in their first week contest. The Dick Pics needed a mere 95.02 points to come out victorious. This score is as underwhelming as Sydney Leather's porn career combined with her monotonous efforts to remain "culturally" relevant.
9) Grin City DoWaDiddy (0-1)
Grin City was holding onto a slim lead going into Monday night's game, however, they came out losers. Their efforts were in no way helped by running back David Wilson, whose 19-yard, two fumble performance was the worst of all fantasy starters in Week One. Grin City looks to get back to their winning ways, but face a tough Ramblin' Wreck team in their next match-up. The ominous Yahoo! projecto-robot has them expected to drop to an 0-2 record. Thus, Grin City may change there name from DoWaDiddy to DoWaShitty with a crappy start to the season.
10) Game of Stones (0-1)
The Shame of Stones are right on track with their fantasy football strategy, only four more games to lose before they make their push for the consolation playoffs. The Week One loss was in no way helped by the Shames' starters Calvin Johnson and Roddy White, who tallied a total of 5.60. The NFL hates Calvin Johnson and always makes up calls to have touchdowns removed from his stat sheet - while, Roddy White has admitted to having a high-ankle sprain, an injury that will plague the Stones like Greyscale plagues Westeros - victims are malformed and disabled, but alive.
11) Donkey Brains (0-1)
The only thing worse than the Donkey Brains fantasy performance in Week One was the actual Week One performance of the Raven's defense...or lack thereof. Somehow, the Ravens D was able to garner 3 points despite giving up 49 points. However, Baltimore's abysmal performance wasn't the only disappointment, the Donkey's got a combined total of 3.1 points by Maurice Jones-Drew (4.3 points), James Jones (0.0 points), and Brandon Pettigrew (-1.4 points). Donkey Brains looked more like an Ass after they left Jordy Nelson and his 19 points on the bench, although, they would have still lost regardless of there starting lineup. For now, Donkey Brains seems lost, or maybe they are just stuck in a turtle's dream in outer space.
12) DW (0-1)
The Preseason prediction came to fruition, well done Power Ranker... With the league's "best draft," no other team was as disappointing as DW. Last week was indeed their time to shine, from here on out it looks like they will be nothing but a sacrificial lamb to Thunder Gun Express. The only upside to the D-Dubs lowly performance is the highly anticipated porn flick coming soon, to a Catonsville household near you, "Conjoined," a captivating story of conjoined twins and the enigma that is love.
