Unnecessary Coverage
My apologies to the esoteric niche of readers, the past few weeks have been busy with engagements and wedding planning. So to make an incredibly long story as laconic as possible, I proposed at Magic Kingdom and we planned an entire wedding in ~25 days. Now with all those details done, it is time to get back to the important things in life, fantasy football and bad jokes.
Now for a little news break before continuing onto the Power Rankings. This brought to you courtesy of WHSV, a local news station in Craigsville, Virginia. The Black family has a family tradition of white supremacy, poor Halloween costume choices, ignorant bigotry, and the most inconceivable excuses ever.
Meet Jason Black, the not-so cutest little racist you have ever seen, in his Halloween costume.
Now for a little news break before continuing onto the Power Rankings. This brought to you courtesy of WHSV, a local news station in Craigsville, Virginia. The Black family has a family tradition of white supremacy, poor Halloween costume choices, ignorant bigotry, and the most inconceivable excuses ever.
Meet Jason Black, the not-so cutest little racist you have ever seen, in his Halloween costume.
Now this is a Halloween Costume inasmuch as it is an official jersey of the most infamous sect of American Racist. First, the connotation that this is a "costume" is way off. Quickly searching the Google-machine for "KKK Halloween costume sale," the first website that comes up is "kkklnan.com/robes." Therefore, the only way to get a KKK costume, is from the KKK themselves. So, you may ask yourself, why would someone wear such a racially charged "costume?"
Ahhh... yes... the rich family tradition of being the only little Klansman in Craigsville on All Hallow's eve, a rite of passage for the ironically named Black family. Although, the mother did offer some "motherly" advice, she warned the costume may be negatively received.
What parental foresight she has, surely the neighborhood bullies will pick on little Justin for his contentious outfit. Oh wait, he is dressed like the littlest lyncher in the whole wide world, while mommy is probably dressed a "sexy racist" (See White Trash), but wait there's more.
Wait... what...? Nothing wrong with the Ku Klux Klan... maybe she just isn't familiar with their abundant history of violent hate crimes.
Well she seems to have the Preschool definition of the KKK understood, but her blatant ignorance allows her to overlook the "other details." Clearly, the public must be unfamiliar with all the charitable work of the KKK, like raising money and donating to the St. Jude's. HA..."The St. Jude's," let that farce settle in - that must have been the last infomercial she saw before giving the interview, but the delivery sounds like Sarah Palin trying to describe all the newspapers she reads.
In closing, I am going to take a glimpse into the future for the Black family. In his mid-twenties, Justin still lives at home (likely to be his real future) with his mother, Jessica. There is a German Oktoberfest being held in Craigsville and they offer discounts to those who dress "German." Being that it is "family tradition," Jason decides to dress up as a Nazi, but is told from his mother, "some people are going to be talking about you and saying bad things." Regardless, Jason wears his Swastika swag to the soiree and explains to everyone, "white is right and supremacy is clemency," adding, "the Nazis raise money every year and donate to the St. Jews."
Moving on...Rankings brought to you by Local Television Commercials (some real, some fake, who cares).
Week 9 Power Rankings
1) Cobras (6-3)
The Bras are one of Thunder Gun's most consistent teams, unfortunately for everyone in the league, the Bras are consistently dominant. They lost top receiver Julio Jones and tight end Owen Daniels in the same week, yet still manages to be tied with the league-leading record of 6-3. The Bras players are like the Bucks in this Credit Union commercial, injury plagued. However, their waiver wire pick-ups have paid dividends in the currency of wins. The Bras have a -35.5 point differential, and continue to win! A whaaaaaa....inflammable means flammable!?!?
2) Brunost on Fire (6-3)
Brunost is still on Fire and is not letting up, although, something smells fishy about this team. They have scored the most points in the league thus far and they have had the least amounts of points scored against them. The closeness of this team to the league's commissioner carries the stench of rotting mollusks... did someone say fixed? Noooooo...CLAMBAKE...I guess not. Either way enjoy this Discount Seafood Warehouse commercial.
3) Polk High (5-4)
Polk High has had a very up and down season thus far despite scoring the league's second highest point total. There is no rhyme or reason to their success and they appear to suffer from Waiver Wire Schizophrenia. They lead the league in all moves with 28, that's two moves every week of the season. That is just elephant-shit crazy, or is it simply experiencing nature - visit the Central Florida Zoo and Botanical Gardens to get the full experience.
4) Grin City DoWaDiddy (6-3)
Respect the record, but hate the game. Grin City is the one of two teams with a 6-3 record while owning a negative point differential. They are true masters in the art of close victories, with their slimmest of margins coming in Week Nine (slimmest margin of victory in the league's history). They squeaked by the Shame of Stones by a total of 0.08 points (9 yards was the difference it this game). The Stones were left in utter bewilderment of the efforts from injured running backs Arian Foster and Darren "China Doll" Mcfadden, who scored a combined one and a half points. Wife beating husband in this match-up was bittersweet, like a deal you get at Frankie and Johnnie's, a free box of chicken with a furniture purchase. Wait, there are limits...only a 10-piece box with $1000 purchase, and a 5-piece with any purchase from $200-$999?
5) DW (5-4)
The D Dubs are looking really good at this point of the season, they have one of the highest point differentials in the league, however, that stat doesn't correlate with their record. The Dubs seem to have it all this year and will look to edge their way back into the playoffs. They are willing to do anything... anything that the ESPN/Rotoworld cheat sheet tells them. Can they get to the ship with Tony "Scrunchies" Romo, or will they just get worn out and become a useless piece of fabric-covered elastic. Scrunchies!!!
6) Game of Stones (5-4)
The Game of Stones have changed their fantasy strategy for the first time in three years. They were on pace to start the season with there staple system of starting with an 0-5 record. Then, come Week Three, they decided to switch things up and go on a four game winning streak. Time to Fonk to the Future, broach copyright infringement, and see if this team can make their way into the playoffs, or ultimately get run over by a DeLorean.
7) Ur Walking Laurie (4-5)
The Walking Lauries have only lost one game this season when scoring 100 points or more, however, the league weekly average hovers around 100 points so this is a stupid statistic. This is about as dumb as having Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico explain the need for quarterbacks to have large hands to throw a spiral, then continue to explain that the team who scores more points by the end of the game will likely win every time. The next three games for the Walking Lauries will be a tough task, so far their season has been like the comedy, "Titanic," as seen in the commercial for Audio Video Plus. If they fail to win any of their next three games, there chances of making the playoffs will be about as good as the harmony at the end of the commercial.
8) Ramblin' Wreck (4-5)
The Wrecks were off to the their best start ever, winning their first three games by a combined total of 115.10 points. However, the Ramblers have been a literal wreck in the last six weeks, with a record of 1-5 during that span. The Wrecks started the season throttling all systems forward, but have gone in complete reverse-reverse since then. Look for the Wrecks to get there transmission fixed by Gorgan at Arlen's Transmission.
9) Don't Tase Me Brony (4-5)
Despite the Bronys best efforts, they continue to get tased this season. Yahoo! seems to have it out for Bronys and JerryTickleMonStars alike, with back to back seasons facing the league's toughest schedules (based on average points against). The Preseason had the Bronys projected to finish with a 10-4 record, however, they already have five in the loss column. Recently, they traded for Frank Gore in hopes to turn things around for the final leg of the season, and Yahoo! has the team projected to score the most points in the remaining games. Granted, projections are absurdly worthless, the season looks all but dead, time for the Bronys to get stuffed at Ojai Valley Taxidermy. Is that an antelope driving that car...NOPE.
10) Half Line Hoofers (3-6)
The season started off like a perfect honeymoon, 2-0, however, last seven weeks have been like readjusting to real life - absolutely painful, going 1-6 in those weeks. There is no doubt about it, the Hoofers have more losses than Georgia got peanuts.
11) Donkey Brains (3-6)
Donkey Brains have had a rough go at it so far this season, they have had the second most points scored on them, meanwhile they have scored the fifth most points. Again, statistics are trivial in this fantasy of a game, while the Donkeys continue to dwell in the basement of Thunder Gun Express. Maybe it is time for the Donkeys to employ the "pull-out method," an innovative technique used at Kelley Plastic Surgery. A whole new Donkey Brain could only hope to have the success of the Kelley clientele, one patient underwent a life transformation, they got a new job, new boyfriend, AND managed a trip to Canada.
12) Carlos Dangerously (3-6)
The Dick Pics are exactly that...total dick pics, once they are out there, you can never get rid of them. They made there presence known last year with a championship run, but they have fallen into a mid-season slump after a 2-0 start to the season. The have shamed themselves further with the league's worst ever plopper, managing only 38.98 points in their Week Nine match-up. Top draft pick, Aaron Rodgers went down with a broken collarbone on his none-throwing arm - this is the second quarterback the Dick Pic's have lost this season due to injury. They recently acquired Russel Wilson and Trent "nobody wants me anymore" Richardson from the Bronies in exchange for Frank Gore. No one knows how the season will pan out, Yahoo! has projected them to score the second least amount of points during the remainder of the season. Expect the Dick Pics to dwindle the rest of their season and stink up the place like the fat sedentary slob in this commercial for Norton's Furniture. Note: everything about this commercial is creepy.
