Here at Unnecessary Coverage, we (I..?) like to set our goals nice and low, therefore; due to last year's three "weekly" updates, this year's goal will be set at three published posts and one pending draft that no on will ever read. Furthermore, to gain a globally central location and avoid American taxes, Unnecessary Coverage has relocated to Germany for their love of beer and football.
Let us return to that thing called "news," sports media outlets have started headlining every internet article with "Johnny Football," as a means to increase internet clickablity on lesser appealing stories. For example, just the other day, I clicked on the headline, "Johnny Football pays for Brian Hoyer's vacation to West Africa," However, when I got to the article, it was about a Handball festival at Meadowbank Sports Centre in Edinburgh. I was pleased to see the festival is growing, but I was equally dismayed that Brian Hoyer remains Ebola-free.
The meteoric rise of Johnny Football....wait, meteors fall, who cares, johnny football johnny football johnny football. Now that I have your unmitigated attention, the NFL loves over-hyping any quarterback drafted in the first round - remember all that Blake Brotels hype, phew, who wasn't tired of all the articles about him. Other NFL loves include; controversy, rule changes, and making obnoxious amounts of money. This past summer, the league competition committee discussed the potential removal of one of the few times during the game of football when a foot actually touches the ball - eliminating the extra point. Similarly, the previous year, the same committee contemplated the removal of the kickoff with the growing concern of player safety. Apparently, Roger Goddell is doing anything and everything in his power to remove the "foot" from football. In fact, he is considering changing the name of the sport to handball, thus, causing all sorts of confusion with Edinburgh's most famous fall festival. Thanks to the non-existing purist, "Keep the FOOT in Football" movement, the result of these potential rule changes never occurred, but enough about the NFL, it is time to get down to the real reason we watch, fantasy football.
Week One Power Rankings
1) Shartnado - (1-0)
Sharts are like meteors, they plop and plummet to the ground, however, we all know the age-old adage, "When the shart hits the fan, a Shartnado is born." A season ago, Shartnado's former self, Ur Walking Laurie, trail blazed their way to Thunder Gun Cup Glory like a powerful shart's lasting image on skidmarked underwear. They look to continue to terrorize the league and pants alike.
2) Game of Stones - (1-0)
Recently, viral emails were sent from the Game of Stones headquarters located in the lesser known country of Wisconsin. The subject of said email was an intimidation manuver, "Game of Stones," although, it should be noted that using your name as the subject of all emails would be awesome regardless of the content. Turns out, the Stones got carried away with their "fantasy" research this off-season and their email is trying to infect everyone in their address book.
An email recreation of events
2) Game of Stones - (1-0)
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| An email recreation of events |
3) Crab Leg Bandits - (1-0)
Team pop culture reference is back at it again, rippin' and the tearin', hide your kids, hide your wife - a double rainbow is about to take the Ice Bucket Challenge. Look for the Crab Leg Bantids to meme, meme, and meme all the way to the meme.
4) Half Line Hoofers - (1-0)
The first season for the Hoofers started off great, winning the first two games, however, they would only win three of the remaining ten games. Sophomoric season success stories reign supreme in the league's vast three year history. Running backs are the key to fantasy notoriety and running backs dominate the Hoofers' roster, not in talent, but the fact that they carry five backs. Like a golden unicorn parasailing in the Caribbean; carrying two Cleveland Browns running backs is something that has never been seen.
5) Brunost on Fire - (0-1)
Briefly team Zygote, Brunost is now an all out human freakshow - in the cutest little freakshow sense possible. Brunost on Fire underwent off-season procreation implantation and is now two people in one, a move so surreptitious - one of the humans can only be detected by fancy science machines. This this team has more brains and more hearts than any other team in the league, look for this strategy to pay dividends in early October. Thus, forcing the league commissioner to consider another league expansion next season. On a final note, the science is in, research has confirmed that NFL fandom is a sex-linked characteristic carried on the Y-chromosome, therefore, baby Brunost is officially a Baltimore Ravens fan - IT HAS BEEN DECIDED!!!
6) Grin City DoWaDiddy - (0-1)
With each year getting better, Grin City is clandestine for success...in the Consolation Bracket Playoffs. After a strong draft, the Diddys have a formidable squad, but have an unfavorable projection of going 2-12 for the season. Fortunately, Yahoo! is always wrong, Grin City should expect to contest for a playoff spot, or, at the very least, play spoiler in the last weeks.
7) Shoe Tie Farts - (1-0)
Are Fart jokes even relevant anymore...? The answer to that question will always be a resounding, "yes." Farts are mother nature's punchline indicator even if a joke isn't being told - the true power of flatulence. The Ghost Monkeys/Donkey Brains/I'm Always Angry have been Consolation Bracket darlings two of the past three seasons. However, nothing is more surprising than farting while bending over to tie your shoes - the true Cinderella story in the farting spectrum, they don't happen often and everyone is infatuated with them.
8) DW - (0-1)
There is no word yet on DW, off-season reports indicate that the team manager has turned into some sort of half man/half cyborg who oddly sent a computer to a baseball game during the league's draft. After the preseason, DW came out looking like winners, team manager, whose identify remains safe within the team acronym became the next member of Thunder Gun to get engaged (Congratulations on your only victory this year). However, if there is a Baltimore stripper competition on the day of his nuptials, this human cyborg will once again have to send his computer to another location while fulfilling a more important obligation.
9) Polk High - (0-1)
A team so confident in there capabilities, they are pointing to an internet icon of a trophy and prognosticating league glory. In life, respect is earned and while Polk High failed to finish in the top three of last year's Thunder Cup, their claim will remain overlooked like the NFL is to all domestic violence issues.
10 Cobras - (0-1)
The Bras are winners of the league's top draft this year and were awarded a virtual medal a parent wouldn't even be proud of if given to their child. Pride is on the line this year and the Bras are aiming to get out of the "less shame" category.
11) ChampionShip O Fools - (0-1)
A Ship of Fools indeed, even a true Brony could have drafted a better team. The only way this team can possibly muck up a respectable season is to win a solitary game - Yahoo! has projected the Fools will face the toughest schedule. This year appears to be a total crapshoot, the Fools might as well start sleeping with toilet paper on the night stand because they just shit the bed. However, there are reports coming from Sardinia, Italy that the horrible draft was a result of poor internet connections, excessive wine consumption, and aesthetic scenery. Here is the view from the draft war room.
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| Taken post draft, was all beach before being filled with remorseful tears |
12) Ramblin Wreck - (0-1)
It was a rough start to the season for the Wrecks, the starting nine scored 63.98 points, while four bench players scored 49.80 points. This feat is enough to earn Thunder Gun's fantasy medal of Shame this week - a well earned dishonor.
Necessary Coverage - a rare insight to the reality of a situation
Ray Rice, two words that will allow you to make the decision to continue reading or wait until next week's lighter Unnecessary Coverage. Surely, there will be no shortage of Ray Rice stories in the coming weeks, but I want to take a look at the formally unresolved issue of domestic violence and the NFL. The National Football League doesn't have an image problem, but it most definitely should. The past few years, player safety has been a growing "concern" and league officials addressed the issue. However, until recently, it is clear that there are individuals the NFL cares less about than their own players, the player's spouses and/or significant others. USA Today has collected a list of NFL player arrests since 2000, totaling 713 arrests ranging from assault, reckless driving, DUI, battery, and drug charges.
List of Domestic Violence Arrests
From the list of 713 arrests, 82 cases of domestic violence have been reported in the last fourteen years, an average of nearly six incidents a year. Of the 82, twenty players were required to complete a domestic violence diversion program, seven were issued community service hours, and only four (now five) were cut by their teams due to their actions. If you don't have a foul taste in your mouth now, please go drink the water from a can of Bumble Bee Tuna. Furthermore, only five players in the past fourteen years have been suspended due to their roles in domestic violence, four of those players suffered the "consequences" of missing a SINGLE game - the fifth, a two game ban (originally, now indefinitely inactive). For perspective, if an NFL player is caught with, let's say, Xanax or Adderal and the player doesn't have a prescription, the league's minimum suspension is four games. Therefore, with the powers of the transitive property, it is twice as reprehensible for a player to gain an unfair advantage to play a game using prescription pills than it is for a player to assault a domestic partner.
Let's take a closer look at USA Today's list:
In 2001, Corey Dillon struck his wife and was charged with fourth degree assault, he wasn't suspended - rather, he was to complete the diversion program and donate a measly $750 to a battered women's shelter. Four years later, on Valentine's Day, Samari Rolle assaulted his wife to the point she was treated for a cut above her eye - he wasn't suspended, entered the diversion program, agreed to counseling and probation, as well as donated $10,000 to a battered women's shelter. In 2006, Roger Goddell became the commissioner of the National Football League, a man forthright in protecting the image and integrity of the game. Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), issues of domestic violence continued and went without appropriate punishment or reprimand.
Sample of domestic violence issues since 2006 (Sources: USA Today and Wikipedia)
2006 - Wayne Hunter, offensive tackle listed at 6' 5" weighing 318 pounds, assaulted his 8-month pregnant girlfriend. This resulted in the completion of the diversion program and counselling - no suspension. His career in the NFL lasted until 2013 when he was released by the St. Louis Rams.
2009 - Quinn Ojinnaka, offensive tackle listed at 6'5" weighing 295 pounds, threw his wife down a flight of stairs over and issue that he contacted another woman using Facebook - he served a one game suspension. Coincidentally, his career also ended in St. Louis in 2012 after being released.
2010 - Jermaine Phillips, was charged with third-degree assault for allegedly strangling his wife, he was not suspended, completed the diversion program, and his NFL career ended - due to quality of play, not as a domestic violence offender.
2010 - Tony McDaniel, defensive tackle listed at 6'7" weighing 305 pounds, was charged with misdemeanor battery for shoving his girlfriend whose head hit the pavement. After pleading no contest, the charge was amended to disorderly contact - he was put on six months probation, entered counseling, and served a one game suspension. He currently plays for the defending Super Bowl Champions, Seattle Seahawks.
2010 - Will Smith, defensive end listed at 6'3" weighing 282 pounds, was temporarily charged after police witnessed him arguing with his wife and pulling her by her hair. These charges were DROPPED after he completed the diversion program, community service, and counseling. Smith tore his ACL in the 2013 preseason with the New Orleans Saints, he was signed by the New England Patriots in 2014, but was released.
2012 - Dez Bryant turned himself in after being accused of hitting his own mother. The issue remains undetermined, no diversion program, no suspension, NOTHING. The jersey sales for Dez Bryant are currently sitting at #15 on the top selling jerseys on the NFL's online shop and is currently the #1 selling Dallas Cowboy jersey.
2013 - Daryl Washington, linebacker listed at 6'2" 230 pounds, is accused of assaulting his ex-girlfriend, grabbing her by the throat and throwing her to the ground causing her to fall and break her collar-bone. He pleaded guilty in May of 2014 (keep in mind the Ray Rice incident occurred in February) and is now on one-year probation - no diversion program, no suspension (as a result of this charge), NOTHING. However, back in 2013, he tested positive for violating the league's substance abuse policy and was suspended for four games. He violated the league policy again and will now miss the entire 2014 NFL season (additional sources from wikipedia, and yes, they are real sources).
Oh wait, there's more, the NFL spends the entire moth of October turning "pink," in observance of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Surely the league cares more about women than profits, and the proceeds from the sales of pink merchandise go towards research, right? WRONG, according to Business Insider, after all the money is divided between the NFL, retailers, and merchandisers - only 8.01% of the revenue goes to Cancer Research. If the NFL insists on going "Pink" in October, at the very least, maybe they should also go "Purple," as October is also the month for Domestic Violence Awareness.
Sadly, the NFL fails to suffer from an image problem, it is simply too popular and fans are far too quick to forgive or forget as long as their team wins. Any time the league is faced with controversy the response is always reactionary and never proactive. Plausibly deniability is a philosophy far too rampant among league representatives and the product successfully squeaks away unscathed. In closing, the Citizens United ruling legally changed the images of corporations to people, and as a corporation, the National Football League is an immoral, unaccountable, reprehensible, and pathetic excuse of a person.
