Despite Manziel's loud nature, news outlets remain mum on the former Heisman winner. This new found feeling of anonymity led Johnny Football to pen an article about himself - well, it was more of a story...and written entirely in crayon. His (mostly) illegible manuscript told the story of the greatest quarterback to have never played the game. The hero of his tale discovers he has the majestic super power of invisibility - a blessing and a burden to the football phenom. The power is welcomed when the protagonist needs to escape the undeniable popularity of (currently) being the most famous backup quarterback. However, Johnny Football must confront his cross to bear and learn how to cope with being the second most famous backup quarterback of all time (first, the chosen Jesus Football) and find a way to become visible again. Pew Research has found that 65% of Ohioans have read Manziel's masterpiece, that is 100% more than the amount of people to have completed a book in the state of Ohio in the past decade. Very inspiring stuff.
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| Front Cover of Manziel's story. His first book at the age of 22. |
League Notes
The worst game in the history of World Thunder Gun was played between the Hashtag Bandits and Ramblin' Wreck - in a clash so despicable, it would make Bill Cosby wish he was Jerry Sandusky. Between the two teams, four players with Bye weeks were started, five players "played" that were on injured reserve or didn't play due to an injury. Kirk Cousins, a backup quarterback who hadn't started since Week Seven led the way for the Wrecks. This Week Nine match-up saw NINE players started that scored ZERO points. Somehow, with only three eligible players, the Wreck's defeated the Hashtag Bandits 47.50-39.10 - a feat equally disgusting and impressive. Not to mention, but really mention - the Wreck's first win of the season came when they mismanaged their team the most.
POWER RANKINGS
1) Game of Stones - (9-3)
The Game of Stones are annihilating the entire league, amassing a total of 1363.16 in twelve weeks - 114.34 more points than the next closet team. There have only been four weeks in which the Stones have scored less than 114 points. Three of those weeks were plopers, where they scored in the sixties - tallying a loss in each of those week. Winter is coming, and the only thing that may stop the Stones is Dragonglass.
2) Shoe Tie Farts - (10-2)
The Farts have only had a few skidmarks on the easiest road through World Thunder Cup - facing a meek weekly average of 83.44 points against. The Farts appear to have peeked in Week Eight and have scored less and less points every week since then. They got off to a hot start, scoring wins early and often, but like a 5-hour knitting program in Norway - they are boring and no one is watching them.
3) Brunost on Fire - (8-4)
As if Yahoo! predicted the Norwegian family expansion, the second easiest schedule of World Thunder Gun found a home in the same household as the Farts. It is unclear what sort of collusion is going on here, but rumor has it that baby Magnus von Asbjorn Knute Rockne Harrison Fjord knows the truth - only, nobody can quite understand the baby's blabbering.
4) Cobras - (7-5)
The Bras have fallen off and they are hopelessly sagging after losing three straight. However, the streak looks to end when the Bras face the hapless Hashtag Bandits in Week Thirteen. Beware. The Bras faced the cellar dwelling Wrecks in Week Twelve, shamefully losing to the five starters they faced. The Bras sit ranked at fourth due to their favorable match-ups in the final weeks and hopefully this prediction will serve as a Fantasy Football jinx.
5) Polk High - (7-5)
Polk High started the season with an abysmal 1-4 record, however, they have been winners in six of their last seven. The meteoric rise of Polk High has led to delusions of grandeur - or maybe they are smoking the same ganja as Josh Gordon. On the outside looking in, to earn a spot in the playoffs they will have to (likely) defeat both the Farts and Bras. Unfortunately, reality must settle, meteors fall, and so will Polk High.
6) Shartnado - (7-5)
The Sharts are sullying the entire league with their filth and soft-serve-esque five-game winning streak. Competing for the fourth and final playoff spot with Polk High and Bras - success depends on the continued dominance of Aaron Rodgers. The final two weeks are going to be unsettling for the Sharts, they are going to have to periodically "discount double check" themselves for soil marks.
7) Grin City DoWaDiddy - (6-6)
Grin City has scored the second most points in the league, but has little to show for it - sitting in the middle of the pack. They must be winners of their last two games if they want to remain hopeful, however, it looks like they will be heavy underdogs in their final two match-ups - a DoWaPity. On the (less) shameful side of things, they look to be the heavy favorites of the Consolation Bracket Playoffs.
8) Half Line Hoofers - (5-7)
The Hoofers appeared to be sophomoric darlings of World Thunder Gun, but the Cinderella story bippity-boppity-pooped the bed with their Week Eleven plopper. The only consolation left for the Hoofers is any success in the aptly named playoffs.
9) DW - (4-8)
The Dubs started the season by wining four of their first six, however, since then - they have been losers of six straight. On the bright side, the Dubs can spend their off-season watching the entire series of "The Commish," a show that has more seasons than the Dubs' have wins.
10) Ship of Fools - (3-9)
The Ship of Fools crashed on Anomaly Island weeks ago - the Fools have scored the fourth most points in World Thunder Gun, but only have three victories. The third highest scoring member of their team is Philadelphia's Defense/Special Teams with 161 points (behind backup quarterback Cam Newton (190 points). Also, waiver wire kicker, Cody Parker has scored one point less than first-round draft pick, Jimmy Graham. The Fools can officially be given the worst draft grade in the history of the league, having only two perennial starters in their thirteen draft day selections.
11) Crab Leg Bandits - (4-8)
It looks like Uncle Hashtag McMeme stopped paying attention to Fantasy Football in Week Eight when they started Larry Donnel (who?) while the Giants were on a Bye week. Week Ten, they started three Bye week players and one injured player who was listed as OUT (their opponent, Half Line Hoofers also started two Bye week players). Week Eleven, they started two Bye week players and one injured player listed as OUT. Additionally, the Hashtag Bandits have started Antone Smith every week since Week Seven - during this span, Smith has scored a cumulative 3.00 points. Smith has now been placed on IR with a broken leg, but look for him to continue to start for the Hashtag Bandits the remainder of the season.
12) Ramblin' Wreck - (2-10)
Believe it or not, the Wrecks had a Draft Day Projection of finishing 10-4, good enough for the potential second place team. However, management has fallen (way way way) by the wayside - they have started backup quarterback Kirk Cousins every week since Week Three, a backup quarterback that returned to the bench in Week Eight. The Wrecks also maintain their confidence in Victor Cruz, who has started every game this season for the Wrecks. A feat Cruz himself cannot claim as a member of the Giants due to the fact that he has been on IR since Week Seven. In Week Eight, Ben Roethlisberger scored 56.78 points while on the bench, nearly outscoring the Wreck's 67.40 point total - had a starting quarterback been started instead of a non-playing backup quarterback - they would have been victorious (by 0.46 points). As mentioned before, they only started three players in Week Nine, however; the Wrecks mucked up their first win. If they started one player, Ben Roethlisberger and no one else, they still would have won (outscoring the whole team - Ben 47.70 vs. Wrecks 47.50). Amazingly, it gets worse, they are now the official record holder of the lowest weekly point total ever - with a Week Ten output of 25.30 points - starting only TWO players, while the rest of the starting roster were on IR, injured, or on Bye. In Week Twelve, the Wrecks pulled off another miracle and won their second game - defeating the Bras. 61.50 - 59.58. Again, sticking to their guns, they continued to start clipboard-wielding Kirk Cousins and the "my season is long over" Victor Cruz. Having started the number of active players combined from Weeks' Nine and Ten - the Wrecks fielded five eligible players in Week Twelve...and won. As awful as this team is, their two wins are a credit to eight players - it may be news to the Wrecks, but nine players are supposed to start each week. In closing, it is widely believed that more time was spent writing this paragraph than the Wrecks have spent on Fantasy Football the entire season. The Wreck's performance this year makes a justifiable case for a weekly $5 loser.
