Week Five

Unabated Encroachment

Why are ghosts assholes...?  

To me, it seems as though a lot of hauntings deal with objects shifting around, unexplained noises, or lights that mysteriously flicker and burn out. They're a ghost...can't they do anything better with their eternal time? Say, why don't they go anywhere in the world they want - had they not had the opportunity while living.  After all, ghosts are supposedly "supernatural," implying a superiority to us natural people...and we normies can already travel the globe and space.  Therefore, being content with spooking people using menial inconveniences is an asshole move by a "being" that transcends our natural existence. 

Power Rankings

Brought to you by:

Unofficial Alcohol Endorsements 

1) Cobras  (4-1)

The Bras are riding a four-game winning streak, and a the worst score they've had during that span is 142.90.  The Bras worst performance this season came in week one where they scored 119.92 points - and for some added perspective, TBD's best weekly performance is 121.44 (not surprising that their records are inverse opposites).  Stat for the week; Chicago's defense alone out-scored 60% of Touchdown Chessus' starting lineup.  The Cobras are official sponsors of:

Cobra Kai Brewery

2) I'm Always Angry  (4-1)

The Angry's were full of "rage-o-hol" this weekend, and in an ironic role-reversal, the Angry's took the Tickle MonStars to the proverbial woodshed for a good old-fashioned, Second Mile-esque pounding.  Not only did the Angry's put up the most points this week, but 60% of the Angry's starting roster individually scored 16 points or more - a lineup that that could have sextuple-handily beat half the league's teams.   I'm Always Angry are official sponsors of:

Incredibrew Company

3) UHavePermissionToLose  (3-2)

The Losers have been unstoppable in the last three weeks - scoring 449.90 points, the most of any team during that time span (Bras weren't too far behind though). In week five's match-up, the Losers three starting wide receivers; Andre Johnson, Torrey Smith, and Mike Wallace combined for a total of 7 points - whereas the other seven players in the starting lineup each scored 10.6 or more points.  Dare I say, a fantasy metamorphosis - the league's perennial speed bump has manifested into a monstrous road block.  UHavePermissionToLose are official sponsors of:

McBane Beverage Co. 

4) JerrysTickleMonStars  (3-2)

This week was a tough week for two different Tickle MonStars, one loses in fantasy football, and the other was adjudicated to a minimum of 30 years in prison.  The top six teams in the league are 3-2 or better, but the Tickle MonStars have the most points against with 694.28, 126.04 more than any other team in that category.  Two Tickle Monstars, one appropriate punishment, the other, a victim.  JerrysTickleMonStars are official sponsors of:  

Second Mile Ales

5) Grin City DoWaDiddy  (3-2)

Another off week for Grin City, luckily, they played the hapless Ramblin' Wrecks in a game that featured two recently drafted franchise quarterbacks, Robert Griffith III (Grin City) and Cam  Newton (Wrecks).  These versatile juggernauts battled it out in underwhelming fashion, as Cam Newton edged out RGIII by the score of 7.84 to 4.30 (dis)respectfully.  Grin City blew the game wide-open with the help of Drew Brees and his 37.60 points, although, the game remained close as Grin City's and Saints' receiver Lance Moore caught zero of Brees' 370 yards tossed. Grin City DoWaDiddy are official sponsors of:

Grin City Beer Company

   

6) Ramblin' Wreck  (2-3)

Another sad outing for the Wrecks, who scored the least amount of points in the entire league this week (63.64).   Matt Hasselbeck scored the most points on the team with 14.00, which explains the Wreck's week five tragedy.  Then the weekend got a slightly worse, Greg Little for the Wrecks scores as many points as Gus Freotte.  

Triple D's Dirty Dirty Distillery

7) Touchdown Cheesus  (2-3)

The struggles continue for Touchdown Cheesus, only three players scored in the double-digits this week, however, Cheesus didn't have a chance against the Bras - one of the league’s hottest teams. Cheesus had three positional players who individually scored less than three points.  Through five weeks, they have scored a total of 492.78 points this season - the league’s lowest and 49.48 points less than the second lowest scoring team, DW.  Cheesus needs a miracle, maybe it is time to pick up Tim Tebow and get biblical on this league…let us pray.  Touchdown Cheesus are official sponsors of Anointed Tongue Beverage.  

Anointed Tongue Beverage

8) DW  (3-2)

The Dubs are the first team to lose to one of the league’s winless teams (TBD & Game of Stones), however, DW and shame are synonymous - this had to happen eventually.  The Dubs hardly had a concerted effort from their team,  six members of DW's starting line-up picked up 7 points or less and combined for a total of 21.68 points.  These six players were overshadowed by Christian Ponder of TBD who scored 23.42 points…really…makes one ponder.  DW is the official sponsor of 

Creep Style Brew House

9) TBD  (1-4)

Christian Ponder, a fantasy enigma, helped secure a win - along with Marques Colston’s three touchdown performance.  The two combined for 54.52 points, however, five of TBD's starting players scored 4 points or less.  Yet, TBD was able to walk away with a shaming victory over the Dubs.  TBD are official sponsors of Taint Breath Brewery:

Taint Breath Brewery

10) Game of Stones  (0-5)

The Stones had another stroke of bad luck - their paltry 96.54 points were good enough to beat three teams this week, but no dice - another week, another loss.  Like the proverb in the Book of Pythia states, "Let he who is without a win be the Game of Stones," and so it is written - so say we all. 

Stoner Brewing Co.

Week Three

Unabated Encroachment 

731 Points in 16 NFL games, but could have been 724 had a blatant offensive pass interference been called

THE O's ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!

Power Rankings

1) Cobras (2-1)

The Bras are officially on fire and definitely a team to look out for in the future.  The Bras domination was so devastating that they didn't even need a full lineup this week, but they decided to embarrass TBD anyways - to send a message to the rest of the league.  Message received, The Bras would have beat TBD by 6.46 points had they only started Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco, Calvin Johnson, and Steven Gostkowski. 

2) JerrysTickleMonstars (2-1)

The Monstars edged out the Stones in the high powered match-up this week, a contest that would see a total of 295.12 points (a season high) - yet only 4.96 points separated the two teams.  Here he comes, you can see it, The Tickle MonStar is coming, "shut all your windows and doors, climb into bed, pull the sheets over your head, and don't let your feet touch the floors."

3) I'm Always Angry (2-1)

Ahhh, Wha hap-N...?  I'm Always Angry posted an embarrassing 68.84 points - of which, 34.82 of those points came from Eli Manning and Arian Foster.  They are ranked third because this week's score is 103.02 points LESS than the Angry's week two total...now we know why they are Always Angry.  It is worth noting that this week's score marks a two year franchise low, 10.6 points LESS than last season's plopper.  

4) Grin City DoWaDiddy (2-1)

A season ago, Grin City was 1-2 with an underwhelming team - fast forward a year, and Grin City is sitting pretty at 2-1 with a team that has the potential to consistently score a ton of points.  Looks like last year's proverbial punchline has matured and is packing some punch in 2012.  Grin City wants to make fools of everyone in Thunder Gun Express - fools i say.  

5) Touchdown Cheesus (2-1)

If the first three weeks of the fantasy football season were to be related to the life of Cheesus, then the first three weeks would translate to about twenty-nine and a half years.  This week, the three starting wide receivers combined for 7.8 points and were overshadowed by kicker, Jason Hanson, who scored the second most points for Cheesus with 18.  Also, Hanson has outscored every player on the Chessus roster, with exception to Matt Stafford, Michael Vick, and Reggie Bush.  Cheesus has a lot of team woes at this point, but there is no empathy in this league; but it may be appropriate to start with a mid-season name change to Field Goal Cheesus.    

6) UHavePermissionToLose (1-2)

The Losers won by a margin of 78.86, a difference larger than the amount of points their opponent scored (Ramblin' Wreck, 75.68).  The Losers would have still won their game had they started only Andrew Luck, Andre Johnson, and Jamaal Charles.  Blah, blah, blah, it's the Losers though...

7) Ramblin' Wreck (1-2)

Technically, week three is too early to press the panic button, but Ramblin' Wreck's season appears to be a literal wreck after the week three thrashing they took at the hand of the Losers.  The Wreck's have no reliable consistency among any of their players - a recipe for mediocrity.  Their roster is full of  players that fall in to three categories: the good, the bad, and the awful - I feel like I've seen it all.   However, they would be a more exciting team to watch to if they added a flying elephant to their roster.  

8) Game of Stones (0-3)

The Stones put together a game they can finally be proud of, recording a titanic 145.08 points - 42% of their three week total.  However, the Stones ran into the metaphorical iceberg that is Jerry's Tickle Monstars and the Stones are sinking like Jack Dawson at the end of "Titanic," cold and lifeless.  Time for the Stones to go home, stop crying, and call it a season.  

9) DW (3-0)

So far, the Dubs have only faced 278.46 points against, an average of 92.82 points against each week, therefore; DW should be undefeated.  The Dubs have accumulated 341.96 points on the season, ranking 7th overall in cumulative points.  Excluding the Dubs, the combined records of the four teams that have a season total of 352 points or less is 3-9.  Seems as though Yahoo! is trying to make up for the 2011 misfortunes of the Dubs.  I am impressed with the Dubs inasmuch as I am with The Beets, and they are a cartoon band.

10) TBD (0-3)

Clearly, TBD is an acronym for "The Bad Dream," or is it all a fantasy.  So far, TBD has the worst luck, facing a total of 472.7 points in the first three weeks, an average of 157.57 points against per week.  TBD has scored 310.6 points, the least of any team in Thunder Gun Express.  TBD should have two goals this year, win one game and to think of a new name before the season ends.  Until then, I will impose my own suggestions.  This week, TBD will be known as the Porky Pigs because their season is all but over.