Johnny Manziel Writes Article About Himself

It has been a few rough weeks for Johnny Football, the media typically spotlighting the second most famous backup quarterback in NFL history is busy covering other frivolous drek.  News outlets have failed to update the world on the whereabouts of the Justin Bieber of football.  To use an (old) SAT analogy, Johnny Manziel : Football ::  Justin Bieber : Life - hardcore fans have an outpouring of undying love for their hero regardless of ubiquitous douche baggery.

Despite Manziel's loud nature, news outlets remain mum on the former Heisman winner.  This new found feeling of anonymity led Johnny Football to pen an article about himself - well, it was more of a story...and written entirely in crayon.  His (mostly) illegible manuscript told the story of the greatest quarterback to have never played the game.  The hero of his tale discovers he has the majestic super power of invisibility - a blessing and a burden to the football phenom.  The power is welcomed when the protagonist needs to escape the undeniable popularity of (currently) being the most famous backup quarterback.  However, Johnny Football must confront his cross to bear and learn how to cope with being the second most famous backup quarterback of all time (first, the chosen Jesus Football) and find a way to become visible again.  Pew Research has found that 65% of Ohioans have read Manziel's masterpiece, that is 100% more than the amount of people to have completed a book in the state of Ohio in the past decade.  Very inspiring stuff.

Front Cover of Manziel's story. His first book at the age of 22.

League Notes

The worst game in the history of World Thunder Gun was played between the Hashtag Bandits and Ramblin' Wreck - in a clash so despicable, it would make Bill Cosby wish he was Jerry Sandusky.  Between the two teams, four players with Bye weeks were started, five players "played" that were on injured reserve or didn't play due to an injury.  Kirk Cousins, a backup quarterback who hadn't started since Week Seven led the way for the Wrecks.  This Week Nine match-up saw NINE players started that scored ZERO points.  Somehow, with only three eligible players, the Wreck's defeated the Hashtag Bandits 47.50-39.10 - a feat equally disgusting and impressive.  Not to mention, but really mention - the Wreck's first win of the season came when they mismanaged their team the most.

POWER RANKINGS

1)  Game of Stones  -  (9-3)

The Game of Stones are annihilating the entire league, amassing a total of 1363.16 in twelve weeks - 114.34 more points than the next closet team.  There have only been four weeks in which the Stones have scored less than 114 points.  Three of those weeks were plopers, where they scored in the sixties - tallying a loss in each of those week. Winter is coming, and the only thing that may stop the Stones is Dragonglass.

2)  Shoe Tie Farts  -  (10-2)

The Farts have only had a few skidmarks on the easiest road through World Thunder Cup - facing a meek weekly average of 83.44 points against.  The Farts appear to have peeked in Week Eight and have scored less and less points every week since then.  They got off to a hot start, scoring wins early and often, but like a 5-hour knitting program in Norway - they are boring and no one is watching them.

3)  Brunost on Fire  -  (8-4)

As if Yahoo! predicted the Norwegian family expansion, the second easiest schedule of World Thunder Gun found a home in the same household as the Farts.  It is unclear what sort of collusion is going on here, but rumor has it that baby Magnus von Asbjorn Knute Rockne Harrison Fjord knows the truth - only, nobody can quite understand the baby's blabbering.

4)  Cobras  -  (7-5)

The Bras have fallen off and they are hopelessly sagging after losing three straight.  However, the streak looks to end when the Bras face the hapless Hashtag Bandits in Week Thirteen.  Beware. The Bras faced the cellar dwelling Wrecks in Week Twelve, shamefully losing to the five starters they faced.  The Bras sit ranked at fourth due to their favorable match-ups in the final weeks and hopefully this prediction will serve as a Fantasy Football jinx.

5)  Polk High  -  (7-5)

Polk High started the season with an abysmal 1-4 record, however, they have been winners in six of their last seven.  The meteoric rise of Polk High has led to delusions of grandeur - or maybe they are smoking the same ganja as Josh Gordon.  On the outside looking in, to earn a spot in the playoffs they will have to (likely) defeat both the Farts and Bras. Unfortunately, reality must settle, meteors fall, and so will Polk High.

6)  Shartnado  -  (7-5)

The Sharts are sullying the entire league with their filth and soft-serve-esque five-game winning streak.   Competing for the fourth and final playoff spot with Polk High and Bras - success depends on the continued dominance of Aaron Rodgers.  The final two weeks are going to be unsettling for the Sharts, they are going to have to periodically "discount double check" themselves for soil marks.

7)  Grin City DoWaDiddy  -  (6-6)

Grin City has scored the second most points in the league, but has little to show for it - sitting in the middle of the pack.   They must be winners of their last two games if they want to remain hopeful, however, it looks like they will be heavy underdogs in their final two match-ups - a DoWaPity.  On the (less) shameful side of things, they look to be the heavy favorites of the Consolation Bracket Playoffs.

8)  Half Line Hoofers  -  (5-7)

The Hoofers appeared to be sophomoric darlings of World Thunder Gun, but the Cinderella story bippity-boppity-pooped the bed with their Week Eleven plopper.  The only consolation left for the Hoofers is any success in the aptly named playoffs.

9)  DW  -  (4-8)

The Dubs started the season by wining four of their first six, however, since then - they have been losers of six straight.  On the bright side, the Dubs can spend their off-season watching the entire series of "The Commish," a show that has more seasons than the Dubs' have wins.

10)  Ship of Fools  -  (3-9)

The Ship of Fools crashed on Anomaly Island weeks ago - the Fools have scored the fourth most points in World Thunder Gun, but only have three victories.  The third highest scoring member of their team is Philadelphia's Defense/Special Teams with 161 points (behind backup quarterback Cam Newton (190 points).  Also, waiver wire kicker, Cody Parker has scored one point less than first-round draft pick, Jimmy Graham.  The Fools can officially be given the worst draft grade in the history of the league, having only two perennial starters in their thirteen draft day selections.

11)  Crab Leg Bandits  -  (4-8)

It looks like Uncle Hashtag McMeme stopped paying attention to Fantasy Football in Week Eight when they started Larry Donnel (who?) while the Giants were on a Bye week.  Week Ten, they started three Bye week players and one injured player who was listed as OUT (their opponent, Half Line Hoofers also started two Bye week players).  Week Eleven, they started two Bye week players and one injured player listed as OUT.  Additionally, the Hashtag Bandits have started Antone Smith every week since Week Seven - during this span, Smith has scored a cumulative 3.00 points.  Smith has now been placed on IR with a broken leg, but look for him to continue to start for the Hashtag Bandits the remainder of the season.

12)  Ramblin' Wreck  -  (2-10)

Believe it or not, the Wrecks had a Draft Day Projection of finishing 10-4, good enough for the potential second place team.  However, management has fallen (way way way) by the wayside -  they have started backup quarterback Kirk Cousins every week since Week Three, a backup quarterback that returned to the bench in Week Eight.  The Wrecks also maintain their confidence in Victor Cruz, who has started every game this season for the Wrecks.  A feat Cruz himself cannot claim as a member of the Giants due to the fact that he has been on IR since Week Seven.  In Week Eight, Ben Roethlisberger scored 56.78 points while on the bench, nearly outscoring the Wreck's 67.40 point total - had a starting quarterback been started instead of a non-playing backup quarterback - they would have been victorious (by 0.46 points).  As mentioned before, they only started three players in Week Nine, however; the Wrecks mucked up their first win.  If they started one player, Ben Roethlisberger and no one else, they still would have won (outscoring the whole team  - Ben 47.70 vs. Wrecks 47.50).  Amazingly, it gets worse, they are now the official record holder of the lowest weekly point total ever - with a Week Ten output of 25.30 points - starting only TWO players, while the rest of the starting roster were on IR, injured, or on Bye.  In Week Twelve, the Wrecks pulled off another miracle and won their second game - defeating the Bras.  61.50 - 59.58.  Again, sticking to their guns, they continued to start clipboard-wielding Kirk Cousins and the "my season is long over" Victor Cruz.  Having started the number of  active players combined from Weeks' Nine and Ten - the Wrecks fielded five eligible players in Week Twelve...and won.  As awful as this team is, their two wins are a credit to eight players - it may be news to the Wrecks, but nine players are supposed to start each week.  In closing, it is widely believed that more time was spent writing this paragraph than the Wrecks have spent on Fantasy Football the entire season.  The Wreck's performance this year makes a justifiable case for a weekly $5 loser.

Johnny Manziel Delivers Norwegian Baby

To get back to the roots that started it all, Unnecessary Coverage returned to the States for the first time in six months in search of media coverage representing the absolutely unnecessary.  The inundation of stories flooded in, seemingly with no end - the way Salmonella poisoning terrorizes porcelain thrones.  Of all the uninhibited drivel, one person made two headlines on the front page of one "news" source, Alanis Morissette.

Recently, Alanis Morissette spoke with Oprah on the OWN network's "Super Soul Sunday."  Finally, a story of trauma the average American can relate to - the trauma of becoming famous, of course, this lesson comes from a Canadian's experience.  During the interview, Morissette speaks about the PTSD of becoming famous after her internationally successful album, "Jagged Little Pill."  She goes on to claim her suffering was so traumatizing, saying, "I remember looking down a lot.  I didn't laugh for about two years."

the HORROR indeed...no laughter for two years. 

At the time, Morissette was only twenty, the meteoric rise (meteors fall goddamnit!!!) of her third album was a curse wrapped in a blessing, wrapped in the curse of international notoriety, stardom, and success - the exact fame of which all aspiring musicians presumably desire.  The majority of her success came from the hit single, "You Ought to Know," a song later to be revealed about Dave Coulier, the third most famous supporting cast member from "Full House," after John Stamos and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (the twins count as one person because they both played one character in the show).

The story of "You Ought to Know" started back in 1992 when recent divorcee, Dave Coulier dated the less-than-moderately-successful-Canadian musician, Alanis Morissette.  On the rebound after a failed marriage, the 33 year-old Coulier briefly dated the then, 18 year-old Morissette.  Tragically, the innocence of youth was reduced to tatters after the reality of the relationship came to light.  Their ephemeral romance ended after a disagreement about their future and wanting different things.  Rumors suggest Coulier was ready to start a family and wanted children and teenage Morissette being only a few years removed from being a child herself, didn't want to start a family.  Say...you ought to know there would most definitely be a disconnect between a 33 year-old divorcee and an 18 year-old.   The trauma of this break-up inspired the hit single, resulting with undeniable success, ultimately leading to self-proclaimed PTSD for poor (but really wealthy) Alanis.  Life expert, Oprah wraps this jagged little pill into something easier to be swallowed, "Sudden stardom is really no different than teenage dating problems."  The real lesson here is that "You Ought to Know," was truly a song proselytizing how horrible "news" stories were going to be twenty years into the future.

Two years from now, I look forward to reading about the PTSD suffered by members of Chumbawamba after their hit, "Tubtumbing."  How do the numbers compare, surely Morissette's claim of trauma comes at the cost of a more successful hit - right...wrong.  If anything, Chumbawamba has not only disappeared off the face of the planet due to their lack of musical prowess, but they also suffer a deeper PTSD after their more successful single.

Chart Positions Reached for respective Single Tracks

Isn't it ironic...don't you think. 

You Ought to know...Power Rankings

1)  Brunost on Fire  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...this Norwegian nightmare is going Rosemary's baby on World Thunder Gun.  Brunost's only loss came in Week One even though they scored the third highest point total that week.  Brunost is steeping in the fiery pits of hell, not even Cheesus can save the league now.

2)  Game of Stones  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...the Stones won the, "Jekyll and Hyde Hall of Fame Award" through the first four weeks.  Two of the four weeks, the Joffery Baratheons have accumulated a total of 150.02 points - the other two weeks, the Gregor Cleganes amassed 285.58 points.

3)  Cobras  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...the Bras have been distracting opponents with Oktoberfest-style cleavage.  Opposing teams have scored, 88.64, 59.94, 78.82, and 78.68 respectively through the first four weeks.  Their favorable schedule has amounted to some painful times in the whopping room, almost like a 6' 1", 217 pound NFL running back whipping their four year-old son with a stick.  If AP stands for anything, we know it doesn't stand for Amazing Parent.

4)  Crab Leg Bandits  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...team pop culture reference may change their name to # as Crab Leg Bandits fade into obscurity.  The Crab Walkers totaled 59.94 points in Week Two, the lowest point total of the season for any team in World Thunder Gun.  They also hold the all-time record for lowest weekly point total after scoring 38.98 points against Brunost a season ago.  After starting the season 3-1, the Crab Walkers tweeted, #blessed.

5)  Shoe Tie Farts  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...Shoe Tie Farts don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.  The Farts won Week Four's, "Hall of Fame Butterfly McQueen Award."  The Farts have come out stinky, but forceful, high-pitched-squeaking away with victories - then, they are Gone with the Wind.

6)  Grin City DoWaDiddy  -  (2-2)

You ought to know...Grin City is the Joey Gladstone of World Thunder Gun and wants teams to, "Cut It Out."  Through three of the first four weeks, Grin City has scored more than 103 points, yet, they maintain the pedestrian .500 record.  There ought to be a ballad about the trials and tribulations of Grin City's season.

7)  Half Line Hoofers  -  (3-1)

You ought to know...the Hoofers are the only team in the league to not score above 100 points and still maintain a winning record.  So far, it appears the Hoofers have stepped out of their Pumpkin carriage in glass slippers, danced around mounds of manure, and continue to escape unsullied.

8)  DW  -  (2-2)

You ought to know...the Dubs are like strip clubs in Baltimore, there is nothing impressive about them, but somehow they are moderately successful.  The Dubs are the Nomi Malone's of World Thunder Gun, an underdog with big dreams, however, the rest of the league are the Molly Abrams'.  Not familiar with the plot of "Showgirls..."  well the Dubs find their life's inspiration from one triumphing Nomi Malone.

9)  Polk High  -  (1-3)

You ought to know...Polk High is putting their money where there mouth is, only their mouth is spewing verbal diarrhea.   They staked a claim on the league championship, but are only one game better than .000 fantasy football.  Team Matt Hasselback still thinks, "we want the ball and we are going to score."  Polk High is better off being a shoe salesman.

10)  Shartnado  -  (1-3)

You ought to know...the best thing about Shartnado is the self-fulfilling prophecy of the team name.  When one looks into the eye of a Shartnado, they see an asshole - time to do some soul searching for this team.

11)  Ship of Fools  -  (0-4)

You ought to know...this team is filthy, in the dirty, shameful, disgusting way.  The type of filthy feeling after a week's battle with Salmonella poisoning - where you feel like you need to take a shower after each bathroom visit... don't know the feeling you say... Liar.

12)  Ramblin' Wreck  -  (0-4)

You ought to know...there is no "it gets better" video for these poor saps.  The biggest game of the season for the Wrecks comes in Week Six against the Ship of Fools - it will truly be the battle that determines the penultimate position of shame, 11th place.

Fantasy Factoids for Fantards

Congratulations to Brunost on Fire and Shoe Tie Farts as they welcomed baby Magnus von Asbjørn Knute Rockne Harrison Fjord into the world.

Baby's first rattles are dumbbells

Final interpretations of  "You Ought to Know"

you ought to know... it's twenty years after the fact, why does anyone care
you ought to know... Alanis Morissette is the 1995 Taylor Swift, why can't they just be happy..?
you ought to know... why isn't anyone concerned about Chumbawamba's PTSD..?
you ought to know...Chumbawamba officially broke up in 2012...need a tissue?
you ought to know... Unnecessary Coverage spent far to much time researching this mystery

For deeper analysis into the unnecessary, speculate the first movie Dave and Alanis may have seen.

The United Nations of Fantasy Football

Welcome back Fantasy Fantards!!!

Here at Unnecessary Coverage, we (I..?) like to set our goals nice and low, therefore; due to last year's three "weekly" updates, this year's goal will be set at three published posts and one pending draft that no on will ever read.  Furthermore, to gain a globally central location and avoid American taxes, Unnecessary Coverage has relocated to Germany for their love of beer and football.

Let us return to that thing called "news," sports media outlets have started headlining every internet article with "Johnny Football," as a means to increase internet clickablity on lesser appealing stories.  For example, just the other day, I clicked on the headline, "Johnny Football pays for Brian Hoyer's vacation to West Africa,"  However, when I got to the article, it was about a Handball festival at Meadowbank Sports Centre in Edinburgh.  I was pleased to see the festival is growing, but I was equally dismayed that Brian Hoyer remains Ebola-free.

The meteoric rise of Johnny Football....wait, meteors fall, who cares, johnny football johnny football johnny football.  Now that I have your unmitigated attention, the NFL loves over-hyping any quarterback drafted in the first round - remember all that Blake Brotels hype, phew, who wasn't tired of all the articles about him.  Other NFL loves include; controversy, rule changes, and making obnoxious amounts of money.  This past summer, the league competition committee discussed the potential removal of one of the few times during the game of football when a foot actually touches the ball - eliminating the extra point.  Similarly, the previous year, the same committee contemplated the removal of the kickoff with the growing concern of player safety.  Apparently, Roger Goddell is doing anything and everything in his power to remove the "foot" from football.  In fact, he is considering changing the name of the sport to handball, thus, causing all sorts of confusion with Edinburgh's most famous fall festival.  Thanks to the non-existing purist, "Keep the FOOT in Football" movement, the result of these potential rule changes never occurred, but enough about the NFL, it is time to get down to the real reason we watch, fantasy football.

Week One Power Rankings

1)  Shartnado  -  (1-0) 

Sharts are like meteors, they plop and plummet to the ground, however, we all know the age-old adage, "When the shart hits the fan, a Shartnado is born."  A season ago, Shartnado's former self, Ur Walking Laurie, trail blazed their way to Thunder Gun Cup Glory like a powerful shart's lasting image on skidmarked underwear.  They look to continue to terrorize the league and pants alike.

2)  Game of Stones  -  (1-0)

Recently, viral emails were sent from the Game of Stones headquarters located in the lesser known country of Wisconsin.  The subject of said email was an intimidation manuver, "Game of Stones," although, it should be noted that using your name as the subject of all emails would be awesome regardless of the content.  Turns out, the Stones got carried away with their "fantasy" research this off-season and their email is trying to infect everyone in their address book.  

An email recreation of events

3)  Crab Leg Bandits  -  (1-0)

Team pop culture reference is back at it again, rippin' and the tearin', hide your kids, hide your wife - a double rainbow is about to take the Ice Bucket Challenge.  Look for the Crab Leg Bantids to meme, meme, and meme all the way to the meme.

4)  Half Line Hoofers  -  (1-0)

The first season for the Hoofers started off great, winning the first two games, however, they would only win three of the remaining ten games.  Sophomoric season success stories reign supreme in the league's vast three year history.  Running backs are the key to fantasy notoriety and running backs dominate the Hoofers' roster, not in talent, but the fact that they carry five backs.  Like a golden unicorn parasailing in the Caribbean; carrying two Cleveland Browns running backs is something that has never been seen.

5)  Brunost on Fire  -  (0-1)

Briefly team Zygote, Brunost is now an all out human freakshow - in the cutest little freakshow sense possible.  Brunost on Fire underwent off-season procreation implantation and is now two people in one, a move so surreptitious - one of the humans can only be detected by fancy science machines.  This this team has more brains and more hearts than any other team in the league, look for this strategy to pay dividends in early October.   Thus, forcing the league commissioner to consider another league expansion next season.   On a final note, the science is in, research has confirmed that NFL fandom is a sex-linked characteristic carried on the Y-chromosome, therefore, baby Brunost is officially a Baltimore Ravens fan - IT HAS BEEN DECIDED!!!

6)  Grin City DoWaDiddy  -  (0-1)

With each year getting better, Grin City is clandestine for success...in the Consolation Bracket Playoffs.  After a strong draft, the Diddys have a formidable squad, but have an unfavorable projection of going 2-12 for the season.  Fortunately, Yahoo! is always wrong, Grin City should expect to contest for a playoff spot, or, at the very least, play spoiler in the last weeks.    

7)  Shoe Tie Farts  -  (1-0)

Are Fart jokes even relevant anymore...?  The answer to that question will always be a resounding, "yes."  Farts are mother nature's punchline indicator even if a joke isn't being told - the true power of flatulence.  The Ghost Monkeys/Donkey Brains/I'm Always Angry have been Consolation Bracket darlings two of the past three seasons.  However, nothing is more surprising than farting while bending over to tie your shoes - the true Cinderella story in the farting spectrum, they don't happen often and everyone is infatuated with them.  

8)  DW  -  (0-1)

There is no word yet on DW, off-season reports indicate that the team manager has turned into some sort of half man/half cyborg who oddly sent a computer to a baseball game during the league's draft.  After the preseason, DW came out looking like winners, team manager, whose identify remains safe within the team acronym became the next member of Thunder Gun to get engaged (Congratulations on your only victory this year).  However, if there is a Baltimore stripper competition on the day of his nuptials, this human cyborg will once again have to send his computer to another location while fulfilling a more important obligation.

9)  Polk High  -  (0-1)

A team so confident in there capabilities, they are pointing to an internet icon of a trophy and prognosticating league glory.  In life, respect is earned and while Polk High failed to finish in the top three of last year's Thunder Cup, their claim will remain overlooked like the NFL is to all domestic violence issues.

10   Cobras  -  (0-1)

The Bras are winners of the league's top draft this year and were awarded a virtual medal a parent wouldn't even be proud of if given to their child.  Pride is on the line this year and the Bras are aiming to get out of the "less shame" category.

11)  ChampionShip O Fools  -  (0-1)

A Ship of Fools indeed, even a true Brony could have drafted a better team.  The only way this team can possibly muck up a respectable season is to win a solitary game - Yahoo! has projected the Fools will face the toughest schedule.  This year appears to be a total crapshoot, the Fools might as well start sleeping with toilet paper on the night stand because they just shit the bed.  However, there are reports coming from Sardinia, Italy that the horrible draft was a result of poor internet connections, excessive wine consumption, and aesthetic scenery.   Here is the view from the draft war room.

Taken post draft, was all beach before being filled with remorseful tears

12)  Ramblin Wreck  -  (0-1)

It was a rough start to the season for the Wrecks, the starting nine scored 63.98 points, while four bench players scored 49.80 points.  This feat is enough to earn Thunder Gun's fantasy medal of Shame this week - a well earned dishonor.

Necessary Coverage - a rare insight to the reality of a situation

Ray Rice, two words that will allow you to make the decision to continue reading or wait until next week's lighter Unnecessary Coverage.  Surely, there will be no shortage of Ray Rice stories in the coming weeks, but I want to take a look at the formally unresolved issue of domestic violence and the NFL.  The National Football League doesn't have an image problem, but it most definitely should.  The past few years, player safety has been a growing "concern" and league officials addressed the issue.  However, until recently, it is clear that there are individuals the NFL cares less about than their own players, the player's spouses and/or significant others.   USA Today has collected a list of NFL player arrests since 2000, totaling 713 arrests ranging from assault, reckless driving, DUI, battery, and drug charges.

 

  
List of Domestic Violence Arrests

From the list of 713 arrests, 82 cases of domestic violence have been reported in the last fourteen years, an average of nearly six incidents a year.  Of the 82, twenty players were required to complete a domestic violence diversion program, seven were issued community service hours, and only four (now five) were cut by their teams due to their actions.  If you don't have a foul taste in your mouth now, please go drink the water from a can of Bumble Bee Tuna.   Furthermore, only five players in the past fourteen years have been suspended due to their roles in domestic violence, four of those players suffered the "consequences" of missing a SINGLE game - the fifth, a two game ban (originally, now indefinitely inactive).  For perspective, if an NFL player is caught with, let's say, Xanax or Adderal and the player doesn't have a prescription, the league's minimum suspension is four games.  Therefore, with the powers of the transitive property, it is twice as reprehensible for a player to gain an unfair advantage to play a game using prescription pills than it is for a player to assault a domestic partner.

Let's take a closer look at USA Today's list:

In 2001, Corey Dillon struck his wife and was charged with fourth degree assault, he wasn't suspended - rather, he was to complete the diversion program and donate a measly $750 to a battered women's shelter.  Four years later, on Valentine's Day, Samari Rolle assaulted his wife to the point she was treated for a cut above her eye - he wasn't suspended, entered the diversion program, agreed to counseling and probation, as well as donated $10,000 to a battered women's shelter.  In 2006, Roger Goddell became the commissioner of the National Football League, a man forthright in protecting the image and integrity of the game.   Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), issues of domestic violence continued and went without appropriate punishment or reprimand.

Sample of domestic violence issues since 2006 (Sources: USA Today and Wikipedia)

2006 - Wayne Hunter, offensive tackle listed at 6' 5" weighing 318 pounds, assaulted his 8-month pregnant girlfriend.  This resulted in the completion of the diversion program and counselling - no suspension.  His career in the NFL lasted until 2013 when he was released by the St. Louis Rams.

2009 - Quinn Ojinnaka, offensive tackle listed at 6'5" weighing 295 pounds, threw his wife down a flight of stairs over and issue that he contacted another woman using Facebook - he served a one game suspension.  Coincidentally, his career also ended in St. Louis in 2012 after being released.

2010 - Jermaine Phillips, was charged with third-degree assault for allegedly strangling his wife, he was not suspended, completed the diversion program, and his NFL career ended - due to quality of play, not as a domestic violence offender.

2010 - Tony McDaniel, defensive tackle listed at 6'7" weighing 305 pounds, was charged with misdemeanor battery for shoving his girlfriend whose head hit the pavement.  After pleading no contest, the charge was amended to disorderly contact - he was put on six months probation, entered counseling, and served a one game suspension.  He currently plays for the defending Super Bowl Champions, Seattle Seahawks.

2010 - Will Smith, defensive end listed at 6'3" weighing 282 pounds, was temporarily charged after police witnessed him arguing with his wife and pulling her by her hair.  These charges were DROPPED after he completed the diversion program, community service, and counseling.  Smith tore his ACL in the 2013 preseason with the New Orleans Saints, he was signed by the New England Patriots in 2014, but was released.

2012 - Dez Bryant turned himself in after being accused of hitting his own mother.  The issue remains undetermined, no diversion program, no suspension, NOTHING.  The jersey sales for Dez Bryant are currently sitting at #15 on the top selling jerseys on the NFL's online shop and is currently the #1 selling Dallas Cowboy jersey.

2013 - Daryl Washington, linebacker listed at 6'2" 230 pounds, is accused of assaulting his ex-girlfriend, grabbing her by the throat and throwing her to the ground causing her to fall and break her collar-bone.  He pleaded guilty in May of 2014 (keep in mind the Ray Rice incident occurred in February) and is now on one-year probation - no diversion program, no suspension (as a result of this charge), NOTHING.  However, back in 2013, he tested positive for violating the league's substance abuse policy and was suspended for four games.  He violated the league policy again and will now miss the entire 2014 NFL season (additional sources from wikipedia, and yes, they are real sources).

Oh wait, there's more, the NFL spends the entire moth of October turning "pink," in observance of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Surely the league cares more about women than profits, and the proceeds from the sales of pink merchandise go towards research, right?  WRONG, according to Business Insider, after all the money is divided between the NFL, retailers, and merchandisers - only 8.01% of the revenue goes to Cancer Research.  If the NFL insists on going "Pink" in October, at the very least, maybe they should also go "Purple," as October is also the month for Domestic Violence Awareness.

Sadly, the NFL fails to suffer from an image problem, it is simply too popular and fans are far too quick to forgive or forget as long as their team wins.  Any time the league is faced with controversy the response is always reactionary and never proactive.  Plausibly deniability is a philosophy far too rampant among league representatives and the product successfully squeaks away unscathed.  In closing, the Citizens United ruling legally changed the images of corporations to people, and as a corporation, the National Football League is an immoral, unaccountable, reprehensible, and pathetic excuse of a person.