America, Still Not Great: The Papa John's Conspiracy

Warning:  What you are about to read may be appalling and deeply disturbing.  But rest assured, all facts have been effortlessly researched.  Today's feature story addresses a major concern with the quality control of pizza topping coverage at a nationally renowned franchise.

Note/Coincidence /I think not:  Papa John's YouTube removed the controversial commercial from its channel just days before this bombshell was published.  However, even the mighty Papa John's cannot bury the ad from the internet.

Is Jasmine Embrey Papa John's only Quality Analyst?

WESTMINSTER - A concerned citizen sits quietly with a beguiled gaze on his face as he stares at the television screen.  Rarely has a 16-second commercial ever caused such deep contemplation.  What had his eyes just seen?  What did his ears just hear?  What was that strange smell?

Then, a dimly lit bulb flickered in his head.  He was going to have to do math.

Recently, in a new advertisement campaign, Papa John's boasts about their pizza topping coverage quality control and has blitzed the market with this short spot.

For those who don't need to waste 16 seconds or already know the commercial verbatim (ad has since been taken down from YouTube).  Below is a transcription of the important facts.

How do we make sure there's toppings in each bite of Papa John's pizza?

We check 80,000 times a year...

Everyone's doing their part to make your game day better

Artistic rendering of Quality Analyst assessment form 

Before proceeding to the statistical analysis, a few things were noticed in this quarter-minute.  Take a closer look at the checklist.  All appears normal, however, things take an odd turn. the quality control assessment has a section devoted to the pizza's cell structure.

Most impressive Papa John's, molecular precision!!! 

Lastly, who is NTZ, and is there only business venture the pizza topping quality control industry?  A quick google search of "NTZ" revealed no evidence of this so-called pizza topping quality control company.   Unnecessary Coverage has repeatedly called Papa John's for comment, but they continue to stonewall us and deflect to asking if we want to order pizza.

Mystery company NTZ (proprietary?) Proportional Pizza Topping Optic

Back to the concerned gentleman sitting on his couch.  It's time to do the math.

Better Ingredients. Questionable Quality Control.

Severely Underestimated Numbers Game:  Papa John Schnatter himself claims the franchise sells 350 million pizzas a year.

Growing Concern:  State of topped-pizza quality control could be far graver than previous thought.

Bottom Line:  Truth is, pizzas don't need quality control, just be human beings and throw an appropriate amount of toppings on the pie.  Don't brag about a quality control system that checks less than 1% of the pizzas you sell.

But What About Cheese Pizza?:  Cheese pizza is a canvas, not a meal.  No one orders a bread sandwich at a deli.

Article Correction: One other commercial has caused equal contemplation from the concerned citizen, but for entirely different reasons.

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If one cares where the (seemingly arbitrary) numbers came from.

According to the "Our Story" section of the company's website, there is approximately 5,000 locations worldwide, (Wikipedia lists 4,700 total locations (as referenced from the same section of Papa John's website in 2016, 3,500 Domestic/1,200 International)).

The franchise has grown by 300 additional locations thus the number used will based on the percentage from 2016's numbers (3,500/5,000), or, 74.468% of 5,000 - which was then rounded up two franchises for an odd total of 3,725.

Most of these 3,725 Papa John's locations are open every day of the year with exception to Christmas, but for the nature of this arbitrary exercise, the pie peddlers average of 12 days off a year.  Giving Papa John 353 days a year to push pizzas.

To continue with conservative estimates (given not all pizzas are ordered with toppings), it was assumed ten topped pizzas are ordered daily.  Extremely conservative considering, 70 pizzas a week would easily put a Papa John's out of business!!!


Hence:

Order of 10 (topped) pizzas per day per location    ---   3,725 x 10 = 37,250

Number of pizzas ordered times days of operation   ---   37,250 x 353 = 13,149,250

Percent of Quality Controled of pizzas   ---   80,000/13,149,250 = 0.006084 or 0.006%

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