Monday, December 10, 2012

Playoffs Unofficially Solidified


Officially, it is too early to call all this weekend's games, but theoretically, we can make a case for the most likely conclusion of the Thunder Gun Express Regular Season.  The following two games will help define the overall outcome for the playoffs which are set to start next weekend. 


GAME ONE

Lack of Original Team Name vs. Unoriginal Team Name

DW vs. TBD


Implications:  Winner is IN and determines playoff seeds 2, 3, and 4.

Monday Night Match-Up: 5 players remain between the two teams.


DW
104.22

TBD
72.40





M. Schaub


T. Brady

S. Ridley


O. Daniels




Pats DEF



THE CALL:  DW WINS, finishes in second place with a 9-5 record.

BEATING THE ODDS:  With three players remaining, TBD will need to outscore Matt Schaub and Steven Ridley, plus, TBD will need to cover the current deficit of 31.82 points.  Not looking so good, but the season remains TBD for TBD - horrible sentence I know, but, for the record, TBD is a horrible team name (this late in the season too, we keep waiting).  Yet, I digress...anyways, the odds of TBD overcoming this tumultuous feat are about as good as a ESPN "Expert Commentator" crying, sharting, and vomiting simultaneously while incessantly praising RG3…there is a slim chance it can happen, but if it does, everyone will be thoroughly disgusted and applaud at what transpired (I should note that the odds of vomiting while listening to the omnipresent RG3 commentary is very high). 


GAME TWO

UHavePermission2Lose vs. Game of Stones


Implications: Losers need to win in order to make the playoffs, Game of Stones are losers regardless and should stop starting seasons 0-5. 

Monday Night Match-up: 3 players remain between the two teams


Losers
100.06

Stones
74.22





A. Johnson


W. Welker




A. Hernandez



THE CALL:  UHavePermission2Lose WINS advancing to 8-6 and a playoff berth.  Will likely finish fourth overall based on points.  

BEATING THE ODDS:  The Shame of Stones will need to out-duel Andre Johnson with Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez, but the Shames will come up short, as they need to cover a 25.84 point deficit first. The odds of the Stones succeeding is about as good as two paraplegics winning the County Fair three-legged race… it doesn't add up (feel like I have used this before, if so, sorry). 



THE FINAL STANDINGS (well, most likely)

I have updated records and point totals through all games Sunday. 

The * represents an individual player remaining to play Monday Night (i.e. *** = 3 players)


Playoff Bound 

1
JerrysTickleMonStars
10-4
1740.28
2
DW
9-5
**1538.12
3
I'm Always Angry
8-6
*1671.66
4
UHavePermission2Lose
8-6
*1640.76


Thunder Gun Express Sob Stories

Start at (0:15)



The following teams are consolation bracket bound!!!   

5
Grin City DoWaDiddy
8-6
1575.56
6
Cobras
7-7
*1806.52
7
TBD
7-7
***1697.9
8
Ramblin' Wreck
5-9
1607.82
9
Game of Stones
5-9
**1462.64
10
Touchdown Cheesus
3-11
1380.1

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Week Ten


Unnecessary Coverage


After hurricane Sandusky molested the east coast of the United States, Election Day came and went, but not without a conspiracy. U.S. News printed a story with a source claiming the monster storm was created by the PRESIDENT. Meanwhile, in Italy, SIX GEOLOGIST were sentenced to six-years in prison after being convicted of manslaughter for not properly predicting a large earthquake after tremors hit the town of L’Aquila. 




Both stories defy logic and science - humans cannot control the weather, nor can they accurately predict the degree and timing of earthquakes. However, these aren't the only shocking and stupid events to happen in the world. The University of North Carolina Chapel Hill and ESPN trumped the flat out crazy with pure unadulterated drek.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill tops this week with two embarrassing stories for the Tar Heels, who should shamefully be tared and feathered. To start, star wide receiver for the Tar Heels, Erik Highsmith, was found guilty of plagiarizing a blog project for his communications class using entries he found on ThinkQuest, a website used and written by 11-year old students.


The second travesty to come from the University of North Carolina was one of the most ridiculous stories to be read by any conscious and logical mind. The University has dropped the term “freshman” from their official documents and will be replaced by “first year student.” This move was done in a trite and politically correct fashion to avoid using "gender sensitive language." However, there has been no word yet on the term “senior,” a homophone of the Spanish word “senor,” a gender-specific term. Then again, the university may refrain from using the word “homophone” as the prefix may promote gender-curiosity.




Finally, ESPN continues to embarrass themselves with laughable coverage. The NHL lockout continues, but not without ESPN trying to keep fans' attention.  The sports coverage juggernaut is using an EA Sports video game simulation of NHL 13 with ESPN commentary to cover highlights and weekly stars. The “worldwide leader in sports” is now covering a fictional NHL season vicariously through a video game – I would say a new low for ESPN, but they have been mucking shit for quite a while. Also, please note that Alex Semin had 7 points during the simulated games in Week five. I don’t know what to call a farce within a farce, but I am sure that word would be synonymous with ESPN.







Power Rankings



1 - JerrysTickleMonStars  (7-3)


This year has been a lucky year for the MonStars, not so much for Jerrys. The MonStars are winners of three straight, two of those wins were by a combined total of 15.90 points. The MonStars were lucky to get through all their bye-weeks with waiver wire players 4-2 with four games remaining. Look for the MonStars to continue to haunt Thunder Gun Express again...and again...and again... like dropping the soap in a Second Mile shower.  


2 - TBD  (5-5)


Sadly, Week Ten was the first time since Week Three TBD didn't score more than 112 points. Weeks Six through Nine, TBD averaged 150.47 points per game and continues to be one of the league’s hottest. After starting the season 0-4, TBD has won five straight, before losing their fifth game in Week Ten. Looks like TBD has gone from the dumpster to dumping on the entire league. TBD has transformed from Tiny Baby Droppings to Torrential Behemoth Defecation.




3 - Grin City DoWaDiddy  (7-3)


Grin City has the least amount of points against in the league, however, a most fortunate schedule has resulted in a healthy 7-3 record - good enough for second place. This sophomoric surprise has surreptitiously squeaked by sealing four successive victories after a 3-3 start. Three of those four games, opponents failed to score more than 100 points, either way, respect the record.  




4 - Cobras  (6-4)

The Bras have scored the most points in the league, but are sitting atop two teams at 6-4 - a very good looking third place team. Some bad luck has stifled the Bras as they have lost two of their last four by a total of 9.68 points. Had the Bras started Chris Johnson in Week Nine, a player who has scored 11.40+ points since Week Six, it would have propelled the Bras into the win column. That same week, the Bras even picked up Sidney Rice on game day, only to have him sit on the bench - another player, if started, would have changed the course of the game. However, all was forgotten in Week Ten, where the Bras posted the second highest score in the league...ever (0.78 less than the all-time record.  




5 - UHavePermission2Lose  (4-6)


Sadly, the Losers were hit with another loss in Week Ten, but it was bound to happen with a Green Bay bye-week.  The previous week, the Losers were "all systems go," and the Losers won in a most dominating performance, but when asked for comment, no one understood their muddled English accent. They either said, “behold,the instrument of your liberation,” or, “truth be told, I use trumpets for masturbation.” The Losers are 4-6, on the outside looking in – time to start growing the rally throat-beard for "Luck."




6 - I’m Always Angry  (5-5)


The Angry’s scored the third most points in Week Ten, but unfortunately faced the Bras, who scored the league's most this week.  Now, losers of four straight, the Angry's averaged 85.10 points Weeks Six through Nine, suffering the biggest blowout award two of those weeks - causing much anger. By the beard of Oden, I’m Always Angry has hit the century mark in points once since Week Five. Looks as though I'm Always Angry is haunted by the Woodland Trolls of Norway sitting at 5-5. The Draft Day Projections had I'm Always Angry going 11-3 this season, but then again those same projections had the JerrysTickleMonStars going 1-13.  




7 - Ramblin’ Wreck  (4-6)



As of Week Nine, The Wreck's have dropped two of their last three games, despite averaging 125.35 points - third best in the league during that span (TBD (157.10), Bras' (125.77). However, The Wreck's were able to rebound this week against another 3-6 team, Touchdown Cheesus - a team suffering the ten plagues of Egypt simultaneously.  It is more likely that the Wrecks will play spoiler than contender this year, but cannot officially be ruled out of the playoff picture.    



8 - DW  (6-4)


The Dubs are like a fat kid in t-ball, everyone quietly roots for him and eventually the chubby one gets the ball past the pitcher's mound.  This year the Dubs are loping some out of the infield.  A season ago, the Dubs were 2-8 through ten games, averaging 120.41 points a game.  Currently, the Dubs are 6-4 and averaging 109.11 points per game.  Maybe the apocalypse is among us - worse is better and better is worse.




9 - Game of Stones  (3-7)


The Shame of Stones have the worst fantasy strategy, and may be the only team in the history of fantasy football to start consecutive seasons with 0-5 records.  The odds of the Shames going undefeated the remainder of the season is just as likely as starting a third straight season 0-5...can't rule it out, but I'll be surprised if it happens.  


10 - Touchdown Cheesus  (3-7)


Thou shall not claim to be a false prophet and Thou shall not make the playoffs this year.  The fall from grace has been a sad one as Cheesus has only won one game since Week Two.  Cheesus has picked up Mark Sanchez and John Skelton for their Week Eleven match-up, a sentence I never thought I would ever write.  Sadly, Brett Favre isn't available to rescue the Chosen Cheddar.  


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Week Five

Unabated Encroachment


Why are ghosts assholes...?  

To me, it seems as though a lot of hauntings deal with objects shifting around, unexplained noises, or lights that mysteriously flicker and burn out. They're a ghost...can't they do anything better with their eternal time? Say, why don't they go anywhere in the world they want - had they not had the opportunity while living.  After all, ghosts are supposedly "supernatural," implying a superiority to us natural people...and we normies can already travel the globe and space.  Therefore, being content with spooking people using menial inconveniences is an asshole move by a "being" that transcends our natural existence. 




Power Rankings

Brought to you by:

Unofficial Alcohol Endorsements 


1) Cobras  (4-1)


The Bras are riding a four-game winning streak, and a the worst score they've had during that span is 142.90.  The Bras worst performance this season came in week one where they scored 119.92 points - and for some added perspective, TBD's best weekly performance is 121.44 (not surprising that their records are inverse opposites).  Stat for the week; Chicago's defense alone out-scored 60% of Touchdown Chessus' starting lineup.  The Cobras are official sponsors of:

Cobra Kai Brewery



2) I'm Always Angry  (4-1)


The Angry's were full of "rage-o-hol" this weekend, and in an ironic role-reversal, the Angry's took the Tickle MonStars to the proverbial woodshed for a good old-fashioned, Second Mile-esque pounding.  Not only did the Angry's put up the most points this week, but 60% of the Angry's starting roster individually scored 16 points or more - a lineup that that could have sextuple-handily beat half the league's teams.   I'm Always Angry are official sponsors of:

Incredibrew Company



3) UHavePermissionToLose  (3-2)


The Losers have been unstoppable in the last three weeks - scoring 449.90 points, the most of any team during that time span (Bras weren't too far behind though). In week five's match-up, the Losers three starting wide receivers; Andre Johnson, Torrey Smith, and Mike Wallace combined for a total of 7 points - whereas the other seven players in the starting lineup each scored 10.6 or more points.  Dare I say, a fantasy metamorphosis - the league's perennial speed bump has manifested into a monstrous road block.  UHavePermissionToLose are official sponsors of:

McBane Beverage Co. 



4) JerrysTickleMonStars  (3-2)


This week was a tough week for two different Tickle MonStars, one loses in fantasy football, and the other was adjudicated to a minimum of 30 years in prison.  The top six teams in the league are 3-2 or better, but the Tickle MonStars have the most points against with 694.28, 126.04 more than any other team in that category.  Two Tickle Monstars, one appropriate punishment, the other, a victim.  JerrysTickleMonStars are official sponsors of:  

Second Mile Ales





5) Grin City DoWaDiddy  (3-2)


Another off week for Grin City, luckily, they played the hapless Ramblin' Wrecks in a game that featured two recently drafted franchise quarterbacks, Robert Griffith III (Grin City) and Cam  Newton (Wrecks).  These versatile juggernauts battled it out in underwhelming fashion, as Cam Newton edged out RGIII by the score of 7.84 to 4.30 (dis)respectfully.  Grin City blew the game wide-open with the help of Drew Brees and his 37.60 points, although, the game remained close as Grin City's and Saints' receiver Lance Moore caught zero of Brees' 370 yards tossed. Grin City DoWaDiddy are official sponsors of:

Grin City Beer Company

   

6) Ramblin' Wreck  (2-3)

Another sad outing for the Wrecks, who scored the least amount of points in the entire league this week (63.64).   Matt Hasselbeck scored the most points on the team with 14.00, which explains the Wreck's week five tragedy.  Then the weekend got a slightly worse, Greg Little for the Wrecks scores as many points as Gus Freotte.  


Triple D's Dirty Dirty Distillery



7) Touchdown Cheesus  (2-3)


The struggles continue for Touchdown Cheesus, only three players scored in the double-digits this week, however, Cheesus didn't have a chance against the Bras - one of the league’s hottest teams. Cheesus had three positional players who individually scored less than three points.  Through five weeks, they have scored a total of 492.78 points this season - the league’s lowest and 49.48 points less than the second lowest scoring team, DW.  Cheesus needs a miracle, maybe it is time to pick up Tim Tebow and get biblical on this league…let us pray.  Touchdown Cheesus are official sponsors of Anointed Tongue Beverage.  

Anointed Tongue Beverage



8) DW  (3-2)


The Dubs are the first team to lose to one of the league’s winless teams (TBD & Game of Stones), however, DW and shame are synonymous - this had to happen eventually.  The Dubs hardly had a concerted effort from their team,  six members of DW's starting line-up picked up 7 points or less and combined for a total of 21.68 points.  These six players were overshadowed by Christian Ponder of TBD who scored 23.42 points…really…makes one ponder.  DW is the official sponsor of 

Creep Style Brew House



9) TBD  (1-4)


Christian Ponder, a fantasy enigma, helped secure a win - along with Marques Colston’s three touchdown performance.  The two combined for 54.52 points, however, five of TBD's starting players scored 4 points or less.  Yet, TBD was able to walk away with a shaming victory over the Dubs.  TBD are official sponsors of Taint Breath Brewery:

Taint Breath Brewery



10) Game of Stones  (0-5)


The Stones had another stroke of bad luck - their paltry 96.54 points were good enough to beat three teams this week, but no dice - another week, another loss.  Like the proverb in the Book of Pythia states, "Let he who is without a win be the Game of Stones," and so it is written - so say we all. 

Stoner Brewing Co.





Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Week Three

Unabated Encroachment 


731 Points in 16 NFL games, but could have been 724 had a blatant offensive pass interference been called

THE O's ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!



Power Rankings

1) Cobras (2-1)


The Bras are officially on fire and definitely a team to look out for in the future.  The Bras domination was so devastating that they didn't even need a full lineup this week, but they decided to embarrass TBD anyways - to send a message to the rest of the league.  Message received, The Bras would have beat TBD by 6.46 points had they only started Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco, Calvin Johnson, and Steven Gostkowski. 



2) JerrysTickleMonstars (2-1)


The Monstars edged out the Stones in the high powered match-up this week, a contest that would see a total of 295.12 points (a season high) - yet only 4.96 points separated the two teams.  Here he comes, you can see it, The Tickle MonStar is coming, "shut all your windows and doors, climb into bed, pull the sheets over your head, and don't let your feet touch the floors."



3) I'm Always Angry (2-1)


Ahhh, Wha hap-N...?  I'm Always Angry posted an embarrassing 68.84 points - of which, 34.82 of those points came from Eli Manning and Arian Foster.  They are ranked third because this week's score is 103.02 points LESS than the Angry's week two total...now we know why they are Always Angry.  It is worth noting that this week's score marks a two year franchise low, 10.6 points LESS than last season's plopper.  




4) Grin City DoWaDiddy (2-1)


A season ago, Grin City was 1-2 with an underwhelming team - fast forward a year, and Grin City is sitting pretty at 2-1 with a team that has the potential to consistently score a ton of points.  Looks like last year's proverbial punchline has matured and is packing some punch in 2012.  Grin City wants to make fools of everyone in Thunder Gun Express - fools i say.  



5) Touchdown Cheesus (2-1)


If the first three weeks of the fantasy football season were to be related to the life of Cheesus, then the first three weeks would translate to about twenty-nine and a half years.  This week, the three starting wide receivers combined for 7.8 points and were overshadowed by kicker, Jason Hanson, who scored the second most points for Cheesus with 18.  Also, Hanson has outscored every player on the Chessus roster, with exception to Matt Stafford, Michael Vick, and Reggie Bush.  Cheesus has a lot of team woes at this point, but there is no empathy in this league; but it may be appropriate to start with a mid-season name change to Field Goal Cheesus.    



6) UHavePermissionToLose (1-2)


The Losers won by a margin of 78.86, a difference larger than the amount of points their opponent scored (Ramblin' Wreck, 75.68).  The Losers would have still won their game had they started only Andrew Luck, Andre Johnson, and Jamaal Charles.  Blah, blah, blah, it's the Losers though...



7) Ramblin' Wreck (1-2)


Technically, week three is too early to press the panic button, but Ramblin' Wreck's season appears to be a literal wreck after the week three thrashing they took at the hand of the Losers.  The Wreck's have no reliable consistency among any of their players - a recipe for mediocrity.  Their roster is full of  players that fall in to three categories: the good, the bad, and the awful - I feel like I've seen it all.   However, they would be a more exciting team to watch to if they added a flying elephant to their roster.  



8) Game of Stones (0-3)


The Stones put together a game they can finally be proud of, recording a titanic 145.08 points - 42% of their three week total.  However, the Stones ran into the metaphorical iceberg that is Jerry's Tickle Monstars and the Stones are sinking like Jack Dawson at the end of "Titanic," cold and lifeless.  Time for the Stones to go home, stop crying, and call it a season.  



9) DW (3-0)


So far, the Dubs have only faced 278.46 points against, an average of 92.82 points against each week, therefore; DW should be undefeated.  The Dubs have accumulated 341.96 points on the season, ranking 7th overall in cumulative points.  Excluding the Dubs, the combined records of the four teams that have a season total of 352 points or less is 3-9.  Seems as though Yahoo! is trying to make up for the 2011 misfortunes of the Dubs.  I am impressed with the Dubs inasmuch as I am with The Beets, and they are a cartoon band.



10) TBD (0-3)


Clearly, TBD is an acronym for "The Bad Dream," or is it all a fantasy.  So far, TBD has the worst luck, facing a total of 472.7 points in the first three weeks, an average of 157.57 points against per week.  TBD has scored 310.6 points, the least of any team in Thunder Gun Express.  TBD should have two goals this year, win one game and to think of a new name before the season ends.  Until then, I will impose my own suggestions.  This week, TBD will be known as the Porky Pigs because their season is all but over.